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Author Topic: Welcome to the county of Bellamyshire: Banana capital of Shartak  (Read 4525 times)
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backwards7
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« on: February 07, 2014, 03:00:06 PM »

Know this good people of 'erby - opal of Shartak and most easterly town in the fair county of Bellamyshire:

This morn I did slay the traitoress who calls herself Katie Calhoun, though her true name be Agatha Francesca Swampberg. For too long this preening, wine-supping tyrant has promenaded about the town, her heavy skirts jangling under the weight of coin wrested from the hands of simple, trusting folk who knew not the value of their own gold. 

My friends! What a tumbledown and derelict settlement 'erby has become under Swampberg's iron-fisted rule. It saddens me to find The Hanged Misfit reduced to selling one of its wooden walls and the crude replacement fashioned from the dessicated bodies of pelicans that washed-up from the nearby off-shore breeding colony.

Take heart, for under my patronage 'erby will rise up from its ashes and return once more to former prominence.

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Jalal
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2014, 03:04:04 PM »

Who the hell is this guy?
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Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend.
Neil Tathers
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2014, 04:20:34 PM »

Awesome, that's who.
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Jalal
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« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2014, 08:48:14 PM »

I personally would not call a baby awesome
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Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend.
Killian
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« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2014, 10:11:00 PM »

Damn Jalal, try not to use rated PG insults. I almost fell out of my seat trembling.
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backwards7
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« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2014, 10:28:01 AM »

~Flashback~

'erby – two years ago


Emperor Sam Bellamy, resplendent in his new flesh-coloured robes, stands atop a podium strewn with offerings of fruit. Gathered before him a mob of itinerant German townsfolk chant “Die Bellamy!” (The Bellamy!) and enthusiastically wave their weapons in the air.  

Sam Bellamy

“... and though I delivered several blows with my cutlass, in the hope that his own blood might quench the flames that consumed him, he succumbed to those terrible burns acquired in that mysterious driftwood fire.

“And now on to more cheery business, for the time has come for us to honour one of erby's adopted sons:

"Jalal favoured scion of Ratkam, whose name when phrased in our crude outsider tongue translates as 'Little Mountain Flower'. Today we thank you for your tireless efforts in ridding Shartak of its invasive squirrel population.

“It is because of your work that a man may traverse this island from South East to North West and have no cause to fear his nuts being buried in a hole or sequestered in a hollowed-out tree.

“Squirrels are not native to Shartak. Rather they paddled over from a neighbouring island on tiny rafts that they had fashioned from sticks. Their intention: To torment the last living Giant Brown Owl (noctua fusco gigas) whose species had been hunted to near-extinction by shipwrecked Prussian sailors.

“The squirrels also brought with them the fever-bearing ticks, that transformed the gentle fruit-worshipping people of Applecheek Island into the murderous tribe of cannibals, who have made the people of 'erby the leading cause of indigestion and gout on Shartak.
 
“It is therefore, with great pride, that I bestow upon you the mantle of 'Beast Warrior', for I can think of no man who has done more to earn such a title.”
« Last Edit: February 08, 2014, 12:37:14 PM by backwards7 » Logged

Jalal
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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2014, 03:54:40 PM »

Tis true the grey squirrel is an invasive beast but derby? No I steer well clear
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Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend.
Killian
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« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2014, 09:19:37 PM »

Squirrels also have a propensity to stockpile heavy swords. But of course, nobody minds.
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Dani
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« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2014, 10:10:44 PM »

Tis true the grey squirrel is an invasive beast but derby? No I steer well clear

We all do. Still, just to make it interesting...

In recognition of his imperial laurels and obvious good stock, Dani al-Ghazali bets 100 gc that the old one lasts a month before the Misfits consume his soul.
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Shroombaker says “Who was it that was looking for Dani al..la-ka-zam?
Grayson Hunt
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« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2014, 12:33:28 AM »

Well Dani, I like your style. I give him until the end of March until he is singing shanties and holding hands with the Misfits.

-Edward McGill
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A true outlaw finds the balance between the passion in his heart and the reason in his mind. The outcome is the balance of might and right.
FirstAmongstDaves
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« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2014, 07:44:49 AM »

Who the hell is this guy?

Some say within his heart sits the Stone Owl of York, which will save us all.

I foresee chaos in 'Erby.
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Timothy Trust
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« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2014, 09:41:44 AM »

The townspeople of Derby cry out: "Sam Bellamy must be stopped!" His latest outrage, the unprovoked murder of retired Derby banker and all-around-nice-guy Kristofer Schanz, will not be tolerated!
« Last Edit: February 13, 2014, 09:44:42 AM by Timothy Trust » Logged

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« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2014, 12:18:16 AM »

In related news, the roaming shaman is currently located distressingly close to Derby.
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Katie Calhoun
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« Reply #13 on: February 14, 2014, 03:35:57 AM »

There are two roaming shamans that hang around Derby but usually not at the same time. They even come into town on occasion. A few months ago, there  were several of us awake in the bar  when one of the shamans walked in. We looked at each other and grinned. Then we watched him go upstairs where he got stuck. I had to ask Simon if he could take him back outside.
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Katie Calhoun-Bartender 
Blaktoof says “You permit yourselves to be lead at the nose by some toothless juggalo teen-grandma whose hobby is running an imagniary bar.     
A parrot squawks "I know where the heavy sword is. Follow me!" (2011-01-22 19:54)
A parrot squawks "Katie has a big fat butt" (2012-02-10 17:06)
backwards7
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« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2014, 09:25:27 AM »

The German banker, Kristofer Schanz, is a kind grandfatherly figure, noted in 'erby for his charitable works. Surely no man could be less deserving of being unceremoniously hacked to pieces in the hut where we ferment dead sharks.

And yet rearrange the letters of his name and another identity begins to take form - one that is associated with dark and sordid deeds, performed under the cover of grease paint and unconvincing 2-man horse costumes.

For Kristofer Schanz is in fact the 'Actress Friz Honk,' known throughout Europe for her murder of the works of the playwright, Jeffrey Hall. The weapon with which she carried out these foul deeds: A string of abysmal performances. An insult she later added to by cutting Hall's throat and making off with the proceeds from a matinee performance of the pantomime 'Aladdin.'

I am Sam Bellamy. Elected councillor for Shartak South. My cutlass drips with justice and sometimes with intestines.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2014, 09:44:27 AM by backwards7 » Logged

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