Shartak short-novel (comments please)

[Euphenics]

"Bloody headache, probably in the middle of the jungle again." Edward Grey naturally did not enjoy death despite his work with SPIRITS and that day was not going to be an exception. He even avoided drinking to spare any chance of similar sensations and events occurring. He collected his possessions and himself, "That shaman stole my watch! The magpie..."

Grey switched on his gps receiver and chopped an opening in the foliage. Trekking along he entered a large clearing with a snow covered hut. Approaching, he saw lights in many colours strung over it and elfs wheeling in crates from a nearby sled. "Saturnalia, on Shartak?"

Inside was a shopping mall much larger than it looked outside, three floors crammed with shops, restaurants, a theatre, and his bank. People were fighting over wrapped boxes they probably did not know the contents of. Several mall Santas and elfs were littered everywhere, but the jolly Yuletide giant was sitting in a large chair in the centre surrounded by elfs on chainguns and a camera. "What do you want for (insert choice of solstice holiday)?"
"I'd quite like a bicycle, Sir."
"Since you've been very good, have a heavy sword!"
*FLASH*
The elf installed the next slide, "10 GC please."

Edward pondered on whether to enter the queue as he casually bought trinkets not found in Durham. He observed a stall of pumpkins, "I imagine Janet would most enjoy a roast shargle and pie with me. How much for that one, good man?"

Then a parrot escaped from the pet shop on an elf's head.
"I cannot tolerate these omen parrots."
"WILLIES!"