(OOC: After a lengthy absence of playing as Zeff, I thought I might revive the Pirate Hunters.
The idea of the Pirate Hunters is to provide a group that
has members with amazing haircuts doesn’t take itself 100% seriously and also give people the chance to rp as a fanatical, macho, chauvinistic, pro-colonial, narcissistic, racist, imperialistic nutjob obsessed with hunting Pirates. Who wouldn’t want to?
)
Zeff's Furious RevengeAfter a lengthy journey into the deepest reaches of Shartak Mountain, he had finally regained his Pirate Hunting Power Pants. He had tracked that monkey for months on end, cursing the Jolly Rodger Gang's unmanly and cowardly plan. Training assault-monkeys to steal his Pantaloons while he occupied himself with a spot of shark wrestling was a foul plot that only the Jolly Rodger Gang could conceive. He regained his admirable resolve, and plowed his way through the jungle towards the nearest settlement.
Now, with his newly recovered pantaloons, he calmly cartweeled into the center of York. He stopped to survey the surroundings and enquire about the current state of the island colonies to see if anything had changed during his absence.
It was then that Honorable Pirate Hunter Zeff detected vague and mysterious hints that there may still be remnants of his hated enemies - Pirates.
There were still rumors of strange noises in the night. Zeff's horde of fans still seemed mysteriously shy and too nervous to be within fifty meters of his glorious body. The local authorities still seemed nervous and reluctant to participate in the OFFICIAL Pirate Hunter grooming sessions. Injured soldiers still came back from the jungle with cutlass wounds. There was still a strong smell of rum coming from most of the surrounding foliage. There was still a gang of Pirates hanging around the medical hut. Nothing had changed.
And then so it was that the shocking realization came to him - Pirates were not yet extinct! The filthy scoundrels were still out there, with their filthy filthy filthy ways, eating kittens, mocking the gentry, stabbing parrots and growing inferior moustaches!!! This was absolutely UNFORGIVABLE!
Despite the resolution of various authorities to save the good people of Shartak (of course the Savages do not count as people) the Pirate Peril was still intent on sucking the various juices out of baby elephants, acting unmanly and exposing themselves in public. It was clear that society still desperately needed the protection of the Pirate Hunters. He could no longer let Pirates do as they pleased!
It was then, right there in the centre of York, Pirate Hunter Captain Zeff grew furious, feeling the righteous flames of rage and justice welling up in his manly loins.
He virtuously clenched his manly buttocks under his skin-tight orange pantaloons as he ripped off his shirt with manly rage that would surely make even the most fearsome Giant Hover Squid tremble with terror. He threw back his head and shouted at the heavens for being so horribly unjust. Five hours later, after his lungs began to sting, he realized he had attracted a crowd. He ceased his righteous but incoherent shoutings and struck his Manly Pose for the benefit of the crowd. He proclaimed that he would continue promoting the Pirate Hunters for the benefit of society and continue to act as their guide and supreme rolemodel! His declaration of justice was met with the silence of the crowd. No doubt so deeply moved by their savior’s words that they were unable to speak. After the people of York realized that Zeff had finished his speech they gradually dispersed. Obviously to silently ponder the profound speech of their hero. Satisfied that he had now regained the devoted service of the people of York, Zeff spent the rest of the night stalking around town shouting Pirate Hunter propaganda at people.
THE PIRATE HUNTER ELIGABILITY TEST:*Are you a MAN?!
*Are you worshipped by everyone?!!
*Are you concerned with the threat that Pirates pose to the honorable and civilized gentry of Durham, York and Derby?!!
*Can you kill a lesser man in at least five different ways with a banana?!!
*Does your coating of chest hair provoke the arousal of young ladies (and most men) wherever you go?
*Does your morning routine involve a sprint around Shartak, a spot of elephant wresting, a quick round of mocking the savages before starting your day with a cooked breakfast and an exquisite cup of Earl Grey tea?!!
*Are you prepared to live off poisonous berries and driftwood for the sake of killing hordes of filthy Pirates with your bare teeth?!!
*Do Pirates soil themselves whenever they see a boulder/tree/mango/cloud that slightly resembles your manly figure!!?
*Do you have a MAGNIFICENT haircut!?!
*Do you SHOUT most of the time?!!?
If the answer to any of the above is "no", then you are utterly USELESS to us!!!! GO HOME IMMEDIATELY!!! HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME, FOR YOU ARE NOT A TRUE MAN!!!
However, if you are exceptional enough to answer "YES" to all of the above, then REJOICE! For you are a true MAN!! You may even be eligible to join The Pirate Hunters!!!
The Pirate Hunters need YOU! Right NOW!! I MEAN IT!! We're seriously understaffed!!!
If you HAVE what it TAKES to be a Pirate Hunter, sign up immediately!
If YOU have any questions about The Pirate Hunters, just contact Zeff ingame or on the forum.
