Blue Hummingbird, Queen of Raktam and Empress of the Mountain

[FirstAmongstDaves]

As blood heir to the royal throne of Raktam, Blue Hummingbird has established a throne room in close proximity to the trader's hut and to the herbal hut. She has today given a speech to the assembled loyal subjects in the herbal hut, plus some visiting foreign nobles from Dalpok and Wiksik.

All Raktamites are required to pay homage to their Queen, and be bound by her command. She will be dispensing largesse to certain of her more amusing subjects. Raktamites who attend upon the Queen and suffiiently please her can expect gold trinkets. Foreign visitors and peaceable outsider envoys can expect the same.

Gifts to the Queen are not mandatory but will be warmly received by Her Majesty. She will be dispensing justice and otherwise guiding her people from time to time.

Any suitors seeking to be Crown Prince of Raktam should also present themselves to the Royal Court for assessment and with a view towards possible matrimony.

For those wishing to ndulge in court protocol and intrigue on a regular basis, please join the Court.

[Jhelai]

Oooh, a decoy! Pity I aint in the neighbourhood at the moment. Would be interesting to see how the locals will respond to this.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Since your last move:
Flange says "WILLIES!"

Blue Hummingbird says, "Ah, my dear Flange. The dry humour of a man with the name describing labila lips shouting a synonym for a penis does not escape me."

azuma says “*bows low* It's such a pleasure to see you again Queen of my Raktaccular cousins. I was out on walkabouts and lay down in the long grass to watch the clouds roll by. ” (2007-07-30 15:19)

azuma says “Sometimes things come to mind when one is laying in the long grass. The taste of a perfectly ripe mango eaten under a lunar rainbow. ” (2007-07-30 15:25)

azuma says “The funny way outlandres hop around and shout foam-inflected gibberish when you fill them full of darts and make them look like N'tonka-T'rucka (the porcupine of the jungle). *grins*” (2007-07-30 15:28)

azuma says “Sometimes one can close their eyes and see a beautiful woman that obsesses their every waking minute and encompasses all in the dream world. Every subtle shift of light displaying new untold facets..” (2007-07-30 15:35)

Flange says “...which is why I don't eat berries I find in the jungle any more.” (2007-07-30 15:38)

azuma says “...every spoken word breaking like waves, crashing, cresting becoming a revelatory symphony of blessings and a thunderstorm of erotic promises. ” (2007-07-30 15:42)

azuma says “Kind of odd, when I dream... I see whirlpools. Hundreds of them. Swirling and turning. I see whirlpools. I also see a beautiful women whom I met at the Dalpok bank.” (2007-07-30 15:43)

Flange says “*bows deeply with his back to Blue Hummingbird, displaying the crack of the twin Wiksikian moons*” (2007-07-30 15:45)

azuma says “It's been a long time, Queen Blue Hummingbird. Imagine that. And here I thought you were a bank employee. I couldn't have been more wrong eh.” (2007-07-30 15:46)

azuma says “Let's get on with the tribute giving...*reaches into backpack*...hmm..er...ouch...there we go...” (2007-07-30 15:47)

Flange says “I can offer an enticing strip-tease or a reach-around as tribute.” (2007-07-30 15:49)

azuma says “*pulls out a rather largish green snake* Ah there we go *blows into snakes mouth and inflates snake* *twists, turns twists turns ties twists turns ties twists turns turns ties*” (2007-07-30 15:49)
azuma says “..and done. Who can resist a bright green heart-shaped balloon snake?” (2007-07-30 15:51)


azuma says “Hmmm...I'll pass on the reach around, flange. The dancing as well. It;s just not proper peeler bar atmosphere without you stripping in a cage.” (2007-07-30 15:53)

Flange says “I would pull out my own snake, but I'm as I'm free from the oppression of clothing, it's out already.” (2007-07-30 15:54)

azuma says “I appreciate the offer though. Most kind of you. It's good to know that one can always expect a courtesy reach around in Raktam. ” (2007-07-30 15:55)

Flange says “Well, I'm normally in Wiksik. You should be able to get reach-arounds in any branch of the Waugh Arms, although I'd avoid the one in York with the ongoing civil unrest there.” (2007-07-30 15:59)

azuma says “Out already? Curious. Hmm..oh...so it is. Duly noted. I guess that I missed the cue to descend into the realm of grandiose genital boasting.” (2007-07-30 15:59)

Blue Hummingbird says “My dear Azuma, the shape and colour are attractive to the eye, but that snake will never be comfortable in a stiff breeze again. And noble Flange, please eclipse those moons with your loincloth.”

The Queen gives both Azuma and Flange a gold coin each.

Blue Hummingbird says “Still, I am most entertained, and would ask you both to 'hang about", in the parlance of outsiders, to see what new tomfoolery is afoot.”

*****

That Azuma is pretty smooth.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Since your last move:
azuma says “I usually avoid yorkies altogether. Odd bunch full of self-loathing and a miniscule tolerance for alcohol-fueled native hijinx. Very narrow minded.” (2007-07-30 16:04)

azuma says “You'd think that if one were to see a handsome sexxuh machete swingin' hooligan such as myself waking thru York yelling "MARCO" in their devils tongue at the top of my lungs....” (2007-07-30 16:07)

azuma says “..that they would have the good sense to hide and be quiet rather than answer "POLO" . Maybe they enjoy the thrill of the chase as much as I do. ” (2007-07-30 16:08)

Blue Hummingbird says “We have spent time in Derby, but litle in York. Derbians are a little plumper.Yorkers are too stringy. You have to hang them by the ankles for days until the meat loosens off the bone.”

azuma says “Curious bussiness that. It's almost like they WANT to be exploited. Perhaps it's their way of rekindling their lost roots. They believe themselves to be descended from monkeys you know. ” (2007-07-30 16:10)

Blue Hummingbird say “Ridiculous conceit. Everyone knows we are decended from the great celestial being Armadog. ”

azuma says “It's true. It's all over the jungle. Sometime in their past they believe that there must have been some sort of ersatz man/monkey tryst. Me, I try t9o picture the scene and just bust out laughing. ” (2007-07-30 16:12)

azuma says “Oook oook eek eek you never call me anymore. Ah, the foibles of interspecies romance.” (2007-07-30 16:13)

azuma says “Armadog you say? And I thought it was just a legend...much like flanges pants. You hear tales but never see it for yourself.” (2007-07-30 16:14)

Blue Hummingbird says “its like these little serrated paper squares they use. What is wrong with a perfectly good banana skin? Soft and absorbant. Does the trick. Paper is the work of the devil. "A" devil, anyway.”

azuma says “Thank you for the gracious gift my queen. I like all manner of shiny things. Knotty things too. Well..mostly knotty. Mostly.” (2007-07-30 16:16)


Blue Hummingbird says “This has been most amusing, my dear sweet Azuma of the Dalpoki, but I fear I must retire. I'm feeling very lesbian tonight so I'm sorry you're of the wrong gender. Good night.”

azuma says “Dalpokians shun their serrated cottony soft paper squares. We eschew leaves and banana skins as well, preferring to use Derbian scalps/wigs. A little slice of paradise.” (2007-07-30 16:19)

Blue Hummingbird says “Yes, yes, good night, fair Azuma." ”

azuma says “...and me..I'm feeling rather peckish. Perhaps I'll just sit in the corner and have a gourd-full of outsider-too-slow.” (2007-07-30 16:21)

Blue Hummingbird says “Excellent. Good for you. See you in the morning.”

azuma says “Good night Queen Blue Hummingbird. Have fun. Please don't feel obliged to respond if I sit here and riff.” (2007-07-30 16:22)


****

All visitors are welcome at the Royal Court.

[eion]

That Azuma is pretty smooth.

But Flange waxes!

[FirstAmongstDaves]

I'm sure he does.

***

Flange says “I do not and never have owned any pants. I do own a crotchless thong, but I only wear it on special occasions.” (2007-07-30 16:24)

Flange says “*gives the Queen a lapdance in exchange for her gracious gift*” (2007-07-30 16:25)

azuma says “You know what I like to do? I like to put on my goatleggings and ceremonial satyr headress and chase unsuspecting outsideresses thru the jungle. Running..chasing...pretending to trip...” (2007-07-30 16:32)

azuma says “Getting closer...reaching..then "boing"..catching them from behind..their faces in the long grass...” (2007-07-30 16:33)

azuma says “Just a simple demigod, with simple pleasures.” (2007-07-30 16:34)

Flange says “Those goat leggings had better be crotchless...” (2007-07-30 16:39)

azuma says “You know what else I like to do? I like to visit our Yorkie pets and put banana skins on the steps of their "Golden Age rRtirement Home for Elderly Imperialistic Devils"....” (2007-07-30 16:42)

azuma says “...then run charging into their midst naked and screaming. Watching the old ones shambling as quick as they can out the doors only to slip on the peels and break their ancient hips is priceless” (2007-07-30 16:42)

azuma says “What a hoot. Makes collecting their heads all that much easier as well. Pfft. So what if you have a walker with twin tennis balls attached? No match for my machete of much sexxuh. Behold, elderly devi” (2007-07-30 16:44)

azuma says “Behold, elderly devils. It's choppering time. May-un I love being a native.” (2007-07-30 16:45)

azuma says “Er...um...buh...I had always assumed that everyones goatleggings were crotchless. Some wear knickers under them? Absurd. ” (2007-07-30 16:53)

azuma says “You might as well just wear the skin of H'oly F'rijole the jungle badger while running about on all fours. Can I get a "Yiff"?” (2007-07-30 16:53)

azuma says “Probably a good time for me to rest a bit. A pleasure to meet you Flange, and always a rarified treat my Queen.” (2007-07-30 17:02)

azuma says “*stirs uncomfortably in sleep* Damned elephantitus *throws yarbles over shoulder*” (2007-07-30 17:34)

azuma says “*pokes around in backpack* Here we go. Take a gander at this...*holds out an fèileadh beag* I took this man-skirt from a particularly inarticulate lad from Derby. Quite the adventure. ” (2007-07-31 00:44)

azuma says “It was on "Neter Thoth's" eve it was. As much as I wanted to spend the holidays at home feasting on pyrate brains... ” (2007-07-31 00:45)

azuma says “(and you know how much effort it is to crack those thick skulls open for such meagre rewards. You're nigh on giraffe-belly high with stacked up dead pyrates before you have enough for a good feast.) ” (2007-07-31 00:46)

azuma says “...I found myself stuck in Bumba's bunghole (Derby). ” (2007-07-31 00:47)

azuma says “Under cover of night I snuck in and started poking my head into various places looking to lively up the evening with a bit of the old...” (2007-07-31 00:48)

azuma says “"Suprise! There's a knotty inebriated dalpokian savage in your devil-hut and that's not an olive branch of peace he's pointing at you". ” (2007-07-31 00:49)

azuma says “I look into this one place and see the strangest sight. He's a bloke right, but wearing a skirt. ” (2007-07-31 00:49)

azuma says “He catches sight of me just as I'm about to tag him with a few darts and lets loose with a bloodcurdling shriek. "Fuxache! Ahm nae fur eating". ” (2007-07-31 00:50)

azuma says “"Oh my goad yoov goat tae have mercy!". ” (2007-07-31 00:51)

azuma says “I had no idea what the hell he was saying. Didn't matter anway. He looked like I could feed half of Dalpok for a fortnight if I carved him up just right. ” (2007-07-31 00:51)

azuma says “Had an so big I could play a round of golf on it. Nope I wasn't letting this one get away. ” (2007-07-31 00:51)

azuma says “To my dismay he was suprisingly quick considering his size. He said "Haud oan a meenit..." and acted like he was going to sit down.” (2007-07-31 00:52)

azuma says “ Quick as a flash, he yelled "...while ah'm gettin the fook ootae here..." and raced for the door like W'ratha Khan the ferocious tiger was hot on his tail. ” (2007-07-31 00:52)

azuma says “Tally Ho! The chase was on! ” (2007-07-31 00:52)

azuma says “Unfortunately for him I've dealt with devils before and know that they wear some sort of covering on their feet. They call them boots. These boots are fastened to the feet with small vines called lace” (2007-07-31 00:55)

azuma says “Yes, I tied his boots laces together in a big monkey knot while he slept. He didn't get very far. ” (2007-07-31 00:55)

azuma says “He toppled over like N'at K'ingcol'e the jungle sloth after one too many iboga roots. What a hoot. The look on his face was priceless. ” (2007-07-31 00:55)

azuma says “"Fit fair ya Feartie-cat"! May-un I love being a native. ” (2007-07-31 00:56)

azuma says “I ran the edible parts home, added his wee head...er...newly shrunken head to my collection, and took his man-skirt as a trophy. ” (2007-07-31 00:56)

azuma says “ It seems to be fairly haunted actually. If you play your banjo while wearing it you sing in the strangest language. Observe.” (2007-07-31 00:57)

azuma says “*puts on kilt and takes up his banjo* ” (2007-07-31 00:57)

azuma says “*sings* While waters wimple to the sea, While day blinks in the lift sae hie,” (2007-07-31 00:58)

azuma says “Till clay-cauld death sall blin' my e'e, Ye shall be my dearie.” (2007-07-31 00:59)

azuma says “*puts down banjo and takes off kilt*” (2007-07-31 01:00)

azuma says “Spooky. Damned spooky. Great fun to wear while on walkabouts though. The missionaries don't know whether to save your soul from eternal damnation or have a drink with you.” (2007-07-31 01:04)

Blue Hummingbird says “Hello Azuma. Your story about the kilt reminds me of my time in Derby. You'll recall we natives prior to its colonisation used to indulge in a ritual there regarding shaving wild boars. Nothing...”

Blue Hummingbird says “...sacred about it, just some idle fun every summer solstice. Anyway, imagine my humour when it came to be known as "Derby", especially since this is a Shartakian idiom for "scrotum". Ha! As children.”

Blue Hummingbird says “...we used to say, "I'm on my way to Scrotum to shave a wild boar!" >giggles< I spent some time in Derby hunting the outsiders there, and came across a fellow called Cthulhu. He has a hut on the water”

You say “...and I spent some time gutting him and eating his pancreas and liver (for the iron, which is an important dietary consideration for young women). Cthulhu has a birth mark on his buttocks...”

Blue hummingbird says “in the shape of a small piglet. Cosmic coincidence, I ask you, or the gods at work etching into this man's destiny that he would die at a place where we used to shave boars? I felt it necessary to...”

Blue Hummingbird says “...perpetuate celestrial irony by stewing his bollocks. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a piece of cotton material which outsiders wear under their shoes bunched up in his nether regions! ”

Blue Hummingbird says “I've seen pirates do this with shot and spare rigging, but I was nonetheless bemused. I decided to pickle the actual relics themselves, for consumption at a later date. In fact, now is probably the...”

Blue Hummingbird says “...ripe (so the speak) opportunity to try them out." [claps hands] "Sukebe, bring us the outsider's pearls so we can snack on them with our friends here. Perhaps we can eat them with dip and crackers?”

[Foo]

 

[FirstAmongstDaves]

azuma says “Thank you, Queen Blue Hummingbird. Your generosity knows no equal. Pass me some of that mango salsa if you would please, Sukebe. ” (2007-08-01 02:14)

azuma says “The contents of Cthulhu's gris-gris bag, from what I understand, are not entirely flesh and blood...not matter as we usually know it. ” (2007-08-01 02:15)

azuma says “A good salsa is just the thing to compliment his green sticky star-spawned bits-n-pieces.” (2007-08-01 02:15)

azuma says “ had my own run in with Cthulu you know. It was in the season of much shrinkage. I had made the long trek from Dalpok to see if the tales of the morbidly rotund outsider with the flying gazelle.. ” (2007-08-01 02:16)

azuma says “..powered canoe were true. The jungle was all abuzz about it. They said this outsider would give gifts to those he knew to be good. ” (2007-08-01 02:16)

azuma says “They said he could visit all of the Earths good people in a single night. I could maybe believe he had some sort of control over time and space, but the ability to find a single good outsider was..” (2007-08-01 02:16)

azuma says “..beyond my familiar reality. I wanted to ask him how he could ever deem any of those villianous colonialists worthy of anything but a quick chop to the neck and a place in the stewpot.” (2007-08-01 02:17)

azuma says “Sure as T're nt'reznor the giant turtle of the sea swallows the sun at dusk, I saw him with my own eyes. He was sitting on oversized cushions and was surrounded by small ones. ” (2007-08-01 02:17)

azuma says “These small ones were not cubs however. The flying gazelles were there as was his sack of treasures. Could it all be true? ” (2007-08-01 02:17)

azuma says “As I got closer I got my first look at him. His body was covered with a fursuit that could best be described as baboon-butt red. He was roughly the size of a halfgrown river cow.. ” (2007-08-01 02:18)

azuma says “and had white fur all over his face the color of Alb'ino the night gophers tail. When I was finally at the head of the line he just threw me a pouch filled with gold coins and poison darts. ” (2007-08-01 02:19)

azuma says “All of a sudden my question wasn't that important any more. I hope he comes back again. I can always use darts and gold. I took my gift and set off for Dalpok.” (2007-08-01 02:20)

azuma says “I stopped off at R'lyeh to spend the night. That is where I ran into Cthulu. He was asleep at the time, probably dreaming of ruling the world in days past. I called out to him,.. ” (2007-08-01 02:20)

azuma says “ "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn". No use. Cthulhu fhtagn. Snoring rather loudly. I decided to turn in myself, perhaps talk with him in the morning. ” (2007-08-01 02:20)

azuma says “ Problem was...Cthulu woke up grumpy and attacked me. It was quite the epic battle. Went something like this: ” (2007-08-01 02:21)

azuma says “ 'Cthulu attacks you with many many icky feelers. You continue sleeping. ” (2007-08-01 02:21)

azuma says “Cthulu attacks you with his flabby claws. You continue dreaming of pyratesses dancing in their skull-n-crossbones pannehs'. On the bright side, I suppose it did shorten my trip home considerably.” (2007-08-01 02:22)


Blue Hummingbird says “Well, in that event, I'm sure you'll enjoy this delicacy." >pops one in mouth< "Hmm. Kind of like a Malteaser. Not much substance. Childless, isn't he? Well, I guess he is now.”

Blue Hummingbird says “Better pass that salsa. Needs some flavour. A bit lacking in spice and zing, wouldn't you say? Maybe we should have marinated this first.”

[a Tiger]

Oh sad day for the people of Raktam!  Your so-called Queens' whole description is a pack of LIES i tell you!

Blue Hummingbird on the Left is the Queen of Greater Raktam and Empress of the Mountain. She resides in her throne room in Raktam. All Raktamites are required to pay homage to their Queen, and be bound by her command. She will be dispensing largesse to certain of her more amusing subjects. Raktamites who attend upon the Queen and suffiiently please her can expect gold trinkets. Foreign visitors and peaceable outsider envoys can expect the same.

Yet when a poor tired Man Eating Tiger fought and struggled his way to Raktam Trading Hut (saving several Natives upon the way from savage beasties at not inconsiderable danger to his own life and limbs), just to bring to Raktam the outsider marvels such as Ironing Boards (cause, like, who'd be seen dead in a creased grass skirt?), Colanders (for all your salad shaking needs), and Nicky Clarke Hair Straightening Irons (hottest on the market, man!) not to mention the backpack full of Rum, Beer, Cutlasses, and GPS Units, which i'd have been happy to dispense to Raktamites for free, just to establish the foundations for a mutually profitable future relationship based upon the acquisition of material goods), did she dispense largesse?  Did she honour me by allowing me to display the prestigious mark of "Trader to her Majesty the Queen of Raktam"?

NO!

Instead, waiting until i was asleep, exhausted from my long and arduous journey into the interior, the biatch snuck up on me, like the common little guttersnipe she is, and slit my throat!  Obviously she feared that i had penetrated her disguise, and was aware of the deception she is practising upon those poor, innocent, credulous Raktamites - for you see, i have met your "Queen" before!  In the common streets of Spitalfields, London, where she is more commonly known as:

the Notorious Round-Heeled Molly!

Prosititute and pickpocket of no small reknown, she was last heard from when, after a spell in Newgate Prison, she was sentenced to deportation for the crime of puppy smuggling (see what this immoral baggage is capable of?), however the ship upon which she was forcibly carried aboard, kicking and screaming and cussing up a blue streak, was last heard of in Pirate Waters - i can only assume that she paid for her passage upon the Pirates ship, full of sex-starved deviants, in the only way she knows, doubtless attempting to make it back to the shores of England, when tragedy struck in the form of a drunken Helmsman, some rocks, and a lost and lonely flightless bird.  Finding herself upon this island, populated by those innocent of her corrupted past, she has obviously been busy amongst you, spreading lies and venereal diseases.

PEOPLE OF RAKTAM, DO NOT BE TAKEN IN BY HER LIES AND DECEPTIONS!

[Foo]

 

....that's even more shocking than the Masthead! 

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Goodness! And here she was thinking she was doing the community a service by disposing of a Man-Eating Tiger, whose profile indicated his penchant for flesh!

Present yourself before Her Majesty and she'll see what she can do to salve your hurt sense of honour.

[Keiichi]

A rat may visit, as there are no bankers to kill anymore. I killed Armadox, though, for the first time.

[Cthulhu]

Queen Blue is it? I must come and visit you and pay the proper respects

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Uh-oh.

Meanwhile:

Abysmal kills azuma. (2007-08-01 15:23)
Abysmal says “My apologies, milady, I did not mean to intrude upon your glorious presence.” (2007-08-01 15:24)
The ghostly voice of azuma whispers “Damn the luck. Apparently your fellow Rektumite Abysmal has lost his mind and decided to kill me. Deep in the throes of syphlitic dementia. Shouldn't be too hard to track him down...” (2007-08-01 18:31)
The ghostly voice of azuma whispers “...I'll just follow the drip. >grins< Guess I'm going to need the services of a shamen. I'll see you again, your Highness.” (2007-08-01 18:34)
Blue Hummingbird says, "Bugger. Now I have no one to talk to except myself."

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Since your last move:
Seimalau says “*Bows*” (2007-08-02 06:01)

Seimalau says “Hi, i'm new here, just started playing ” (2007-08-02 06:02)

Nyarlathotep attacks you for 2 damage. (2007-08-02 08:03)

Nyarlathotep says “Just a blood sample. Hm. Interesting, " examining a small device he places the sample into "are you sure you were born in Raktam?"” (2007-08-02 08:03)

Nyarlathotep uses a healing herb on you and restores 2 health. (2007-08-02 08:04)

Nyarlathotep says “These results are not like any I've seen before - they're more perfect than is normal.” (2007-08-02 08:05)

Nyarlathotep gives you 2 gold coins. (2007-08-02 08:05)

Nyarlathotep says “I must go and ponder these results," leaving, bowing as he goes "goodbye.” (2007-08-02 08:06)