Derby War Journal

[Killian]

OOC: This was too long to carry the rhythm of the other threads, so I put it in its own thread. Better yet, I could have shortened it, or posted it not at all, but you know.

The Journal of Hitodama, Magnificent Shaman, Fabulous Tactician

I heard in my absence the mad king Anthor was thoroughly reviled throughout all the land, having been corrupt enough to embezzle two fish and five loaves of bread from the royal storehouse and contemptibly offered them to a greedy orphanage. Among the list of other dreadful offenses was his construction of infernal crystal-mounted implements, painfully clamped onto the nose, to thwart villagers from bumping into trees as the skygods intended for them. Wiksik is now a cesspool filled with happy children and people enjoying their lives.

Vague occurences have led to my current situation, but I now find myself a member of the KOW (pronouced 'kow', meaning a large ruminant animal with horns and cloven hoofs, domesticated for meat or milk, or as beasts of burden), making the gleeful discovery I carry a collectible Chief Joe™ trading card in my wallet. In Derby, he claims his goal to kill every white man in sight and burn everything down, but I believe Joe's true intent is to nobly answer the plight of Derby's slaves, forced to trudge through muck to seek legendary heavy swords, and also not initiating misdirected collective punishment for his interactions with a select few.

They congest the slaves into a tiny, shambled hut, more closely resembling a clump of sticks thrown into the air, barely adequate for any regulation or standard, where their unrightful owners claim they are quite comfortable and enjoy every bit of happiness. What a mockery. Derbia delenda est.

I have met one of these slaves outside that hut. He had the sunken cheeks and tumescent eyeballs of one cruelly pushed beyond his physical means. An ear was missing, probably snacked on by a gator. As I approached, he did not react, swaying where he stood, vacantly staring into nothing. I asked him why he did not attempt to run away, and he answered that he had a forceful lobotomy. Such reprehensible callousness! Though I aspire to be rationally minded, I could not stop the cold flames of sadness from spreading in me, requiring a drink to douse them, so I promptly whipped the slave and demanded he fetch me a beer. When he came back, I barked that the glass was dirty and poured it on him, leaving and giving no undue thanks.

It might have been the drink, the nearby gushing river, or a series of convoluted outsider mumbo jumbo about biological urges, but I needed to urinate. During my graceful piss, I heard some giggling behind the bushes and investigated. There were the culprits, a sweaty pirate trying to hide his stench in the bog and a suspicious person wearing a venetian mask, probably ashamed about not having a face. Though merely the lackeys of the Derbian tyrants, these were unambiguous slavedrivers and have fallen to my virtuous blade. Just as they have eaten from others' till, they are now the piecemeal of dragons. Chief Joe's orders are to strike the village tomorrow, and the true war shall be cooked (worse metaphors have been made).

[Maj. Arcana]

Beware Derby for tomorrow we Indians Braves will ransack your identical looking huts, kill everybody with name tags, and steal anything drinkable. All slaves will be freed!

[Witch Hazel]

Slaves? mmmm. I looked up their shaman in the Island Library and learned he is the only shaman on the island that is not chained in place. I didn't know that. He rocks in his rocking chair while smoking his tobacco. What a life.
 

[Anthor]

Only those infused with the souls of the white slavers call us Indians. We are Native Shartakians.

You chose to open the box, and let loose the dark souls within. Remember that moment, when your flesh is ripped asunder, and your still beating heart held high to the Sky Gods. They will smile down while you scream.

[Killian]

The archives have been tampered with. That fraud is no sage shaman, he is a foreign masquerader smeared with dung in a parody of our beautiful golden native skin. The real Balchig cries in a pit and is beaten with sticks routinely if he does not rub lotion on himself as ordered. All the more reason to gloriously liberate the town.

[Maj. Arcana]

My Indian broheem is right, the archives are false. I've seen the Shaman's Baseball Diamond with my own eyes, Balchig was tricked into serving the white man just like the rest.

Only those infused with the souls of the white slavers call us Indians. We are Native Shartakians.

You chose to open the box, and let loose the dark souls within. Remember that moment, when your flesh is ripped asunder, and your still beating heart held high to the Sky Gods. They will smile down while you scream.

Indians are Indians, bro. It's the white man who gives us silly names more to his liking. Also there's no such thing as Skygods except Godzilla and Mothra and I'm pretty sure that's another island.

Our Indian Warparty is massing at the sacred Indian burial grounds where we struck the first blow for freedom, when Anthor was still a great warrior instead of a white man stooge. Prepare yourselfs Derbians, for when the clock strikes 12...

Can you hear us, Derby?

[oldmeatwadjm]

Joe, as long as your actions do not enterfer with old meats drinkn' bing. I won't have a problem with your visit former deputy.

-Old Meat   

[Anthor]

Just so you know who to blame, I'll leave this here:

http://www.shartak.com/clanview.cgi?id=648

[Jalal]

PROBOTINATOR DATA STREAM 1428.9076 TRANSMISSION COMMENCE......

LEADER OF HUMANS KATIE RESIDING IN HANGED MISFIT BAR.

WELL ARMED AND EVIDENCE SUGGESTS DAILY RESTOCKING. 

MANY HUMANS IN VICINITY INEBRIATED.

FLAG AREA AS DANGEROUS.

INCOMING REPORTS STATE LEADER OF SECOND CLASS HUMANS CHIEF JOE PLANNING ATTACK ON AREA.

PROBOTINATOR WILL ALLOW HUMANS TO KILL EACH OTHER.

THE REMAINING WILL BE SLAUGHTERED BY PROBOTINATOR.

DEFENCE STATUS: CHEST METAL PLATING DAMAGED THROUGH LEAD BULLETS AND SWORD ABUSE. LEFT ARM PLATING SEVERED THROUGH SWORD ABUSE. HEAD PLATING HAS 16CM GASH THROUGH SWORD ABUSE. UNDERGOING REPAIRS. ESTIMATED COMPLETION 16 HOURS.

RELOAD TIME: BOTH GUNS ARMS EXHAUSTED OF AMMUNITION. ESTIMATED 9 HOURS.

END OF TRANSMISSION.....

[Cold Seether]

Since Seether won't really be needed for defending Derby against a handfull of Wiksik peons, Probotinator can feel free to stalk him hither, thither, and yon.

[Maj. Arcana]

KINGDOM OF WIKSIK is Proud to Present a Time-Honored Indian Tradition:

 

PARTY ON THE BEACH!!

We Indians were having a pow-wow the other day (same day we were blowing smoke up the white man's butt about an imaginary raid) and we were talking about how we could beat the white man, and we discussed strategy and surprise and all that. And suddenly it came like a meteor strike that we were going about it the wrong way. All the politics, all the drama, the death threats/showboating, who needs it? That's not the Indian way. The Indian way is about drinking, feasting, singing and dancing. And more drinking.

So, change of plans. We Indian Braves are going to march into Derby like we said. And like we also said, we're going to build a fire real big and hot. And then we're going to crack open some beers, strum the ukuleles and the banjos, have ourselves a real good day. Maybe even a real good week, if it turns out the white man can dance (and BYOB).  

Join us February 7th to whenever and help us take back the KINGDOM...to the BEACH

-Joe





(No seriously, bonfire party. Derby. Feb 7. For realz)

[Killian]

err damn i shoulve read clan news with more discretion. here i was all ready to powwow. welp, i can wait a week.

[Katie Calhoun]

OMG! IT'S MAYHAM IN THE STREETS! DEATH AND GORE ABOUND! THE COWS HAVE COME TO BE SLAUGHTERED and they have been. Hitodama, sorry if we have been ignoring you but you seem to be killing out of our territory for the most part. We have also been busy with the regular pkers around but we did get these big war partiers. Not sure Fantaw is with you but he still killed so he died. Still owe him one though. 

2012-01-31 03:19±Thing from the crater killed ±yehonatans
2012-01-31 03:23±Payton Gunn killed ±Thing from the crater

2012-01-31 18:31±Hitodama killed ±Sikka the Red

2012-01-31 20:27±Fantaw killed ±Bryan Brown

2012-02-01 16:29±Hitodama killed ±Broomhead

2012-02-01 19:31±Fantaw killed ±a cuddly bear
2012-02-02 00:21±Spree killed ±Fantaw

2012-02-02 02:09±Payton Gunn killed ±Kubwa Mtu
2012-02-02 02:08±Payton Gunn killed ±Death Becomes You

2012-02-02 04:44±Thing from the crater killed ±Bryan Brown
2012-02-02 05:25±Winston T. Monocle killed ±Thing from the crater

Imaginary raid? Come off it Joe. You guys keep dying but where are you?

[Maj. Arcana]

Imaginary raid? Come off it Joe. You guys keep dying but where are you?

Huh.

Gathering driftwood for a bonfire. Guess that's going to be a little tricky now.

[Dumbledore]

All them murders. The Misfits must want to play.

Death Becomes You.