And out of nowhere, an unwarranted play! BECAUSE
Win-Win Negotiating: An Exercise in Lame TheoryA play in one act.
Character sheet, aka Modus Operandi:Chief Joe: Ipso facto leader of the Kingdom of Wiksik, but not King of Wiksik, or whatever. Looks strangely related to a former head of York.
Hexotal: Joe's buddy. Bearer of a choleric, unorthographic name. Has a nice pebble collection.
Anthor: Former king and porn star, now badass biker and councilman.
Peaceblossom & Alanon: No seriously, wtf
Scene:
(A deer brushes past rustling foliage in a damp cave. A crepuscular pillar of light illuminates a central cool spring, casting a fountain of pullulating constellations onto ancient rock walls. Birds sing their delicate language of words unknown to man. The concert they weave summons memories of truly peaceful times. It is believed this natural wonder had its origins in a tumultuous prelude.)
Chief Joe: You were supposed to come alone.
(
Anthor is flanked by two personages of unstated origin,
Peaceblossom and
Alanon.)
Anthor: Come alone? Come again? Come on, why the hell not?
Joe: Good point. Anyway, let's get to things.
Ant: (Strokes his goatee and fastens a pair of sunglasses... underground) I roll with the En Jee now. Whatcha gonna do, big man?
Joe: Make up my own laws and arbitrarily establish them as fact. Problem?
Ant: O RLY? Well get this: I am Hammurabi, the prince, called of Bel, making riches and increase, enriching Nippur and Durilu beyond compare, who brings wealth to Gishshirgal, the white king, heard of Shamash, the mighty, who again laid the foundations of Sippara, who let the name of Ishtar of Nineveh remain in Emishmish; the royal scion of Eternity, the mighty monarch, the sun of Babylon, whose rays shed light over the land of Sumer and Akkad, the king, obeyed by the four quarters of the world; Beloved of Ninni, am I.
Joe: I cannot compete with the famèd Isht-slap. Do carry on.
Ant: Okay. You are not my King.
Joe: You are not my King either.
Ant: I hate you!
Joe: I hate you too!
(As if things weren't silly enough, two annoying as
characters enter the verbal mosh pit)
Pea: I am not a menu.
Joe: Who cares about you?
Ala: I do. I am also not a menu. Also, I am wise. Fwahahahaha, oh yes, very wise.
Ant: U MAD BRO?
Pea: Dis da reel bees knees. Lay him straight, A-dawg.
Ant: If you cannot get our terms in that insufficient head of yours, I have here with me a scroll listing the laws of the En Jee. You would be wise to stagger through all of its absolutely fascinating minutiae. Yes, get to work you dirty paralegal.
Pea:Fa sho.
Ala: I am involving myself in blatantly condescending politicking. Fwahaha. Note how wise I am, cocksuckers.
Pea: Shylock the Jew demands a pound of flesh. A pound, no more, no less!
Joe: I... uhh... Wait, what?
Ant: ...Oh and by the way, you should try and give Queen a listen. Great band. People say I look like the head singer. I value the word's connotations and would never consider associating it with a humiliatory goad.
Pea: A POUND! Naught e'er dripping with red! That or get out, stupid head!
Ant: Yeah, and go back to your room under the staircase!
Joe: This makes me feel bad.
(Chief Joe leaves)
Ant: That's right, leave. Go cry home to mommy. Now that Chief Joe (and I) are out of the way, we can have an end to crazy-ass leaders.
Pea: Agreed. The right time to hit a man is when he's down and out.
5Ala: ... (busy exploring his body in the pool)
Above ground:
Hexotal: You look agitated. (gives Chief Joe a handkerchief) How was it?
Joe: (Wipes his forehead and dabs his temples) Where do I begin. Well, there was three of them, and they went on all sort of stuff, law even. I think one of them even rhymed like Shakespeare. It was horrible. (sobs for a clean five seconds)
Hex: You can't win them all. So what's next?
Joe: The same thing we do every night, Hexie, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
~fin~
Did this play make you mad? Feel free to ask for a ban! It would sure help me. My attempts to get myself banned haven't worked.
