Cool story, Bro.

[iwashere]

I'll just be straight about this. I lied.

Now let me explain. I've told some of you guys a lot about myself. Most of it has been true, but a few big details have been... borrowed. Now, things that I have said happened to myself were true. Physical harm and what have you. But a few basic things like my age are... significantly less true.

Let's get down to it, then. I'm an overweight 19 year high school dropout without a job who lives in his parents' basement (And, oh yeah, I can't legally drive because there was construction on the day of my driver's test and my parents refuse to let me retry). The main reason for the lies is because of the aforementioned parents. I may have mentioned before that my mother is an ultra-religious nut. Her view of the internet is that I'm the only person using it that isn't a murderapist (one word, yes.) Naturally, when I was using forums and stuff at the age of 13, she forced me to make a fake identity. Being rather bad at the whole fake identity thing, I used my real name and a friend's birth year (kept my birthday, of course). When I realized that someone that old would be expected to have a job, I just full on merged our identities and stole his, because that was obviously the smartest thing I could do in that situation.

Why the sudden reveal? Well, two reasons. One, I'm simply tired of it. Two, my birthday present from my parents is that I'm apparently being sent to the middle of the forest to live with my grandparents without an internet connection if I don't have a job by the end of the week. Because moving me away from people will obviously help with my social skills, which are the reason I'm not getting hired in the first place.

Anyway, I'm probably gonna end up moving to Texas and living on the street until one Thursday night when I wake up in time to witness a drug deal and get chased three blocks by gangsters before I find a place to hide and get shot by the owner of a house who thought I was breaking in or something... OR I'm gonna go off to the middle of the forest with my racist grandparents and grow up to be a redneck, because I don't actually have the balls to do what it would take to avoid that fate.

On a serious note, the chance that I'll see most of you again is unfortunately small, so let me just say that it's been fun. I will miss you all. We had a good run, and I wish I could have been myself the whole time, but it was nice to be accepted somewhere even if you didn't know who I really was. Thanks for that. Sorry about lying that whole time. All that good stuff.

~Rob

(Literally the only picture of myself that isn't black and white [and had a good view of my ever-so-beautiful face] that I could find.)

And on a less serious note, this means that the guy who was making sure Anthor never won any of those contests back in Urban Dead was, in fact, 13 years old. Good times, eh?

[Anthor]

All I can say after I got over the shock, is that a lot of people care about you, no matter your age/job status/etc.

I sent you a PM. Also, you're a cheeky b$tard!

[CyAdora]

iwashere, we had good times and we had some not so good times. Now, I guess I know why. But that doesn't change the fact that I think you are awesome and I love you as well as an interNet-E friend can. I wish you the best and I know better things will be happening for you. You are smart, witty are an amazing writer and have many other talents.

You have and will always have my respect.

Be well and come visit us sometime soon.

[Cold Seether]

Crap... this happened at quite the inopportune time. On the 5th of September, we were going to induct you into the Internet and take you on a spree of murderapery. Your mother must've found out and she and Jeebus cooked up this scheme to spirit you away.

Luckily, there are plenty of murderapists lurking in the hinterlands, so they'll take you under their wing and you can navigate that route back to us.

Good luck, kid.. it'll all work itself out eventually. Usually takes 20 years before you realize that you can't see this part of your life in the rearview. Though, I reckon you oughta get the license in order to legally use the rearview while driving. That'll come to pass as well...

[CyAdora]

and this TOTALLY explains all that Super Mario Cart you used to enjoy so much. 

[Armadox the Butcher]

Social ineptitude isn't fatal to job opportunities. The trick is less about schooling and more about tact. Looking the owner in the eye, and saying you are the best person for the job, then continuing to follow up with a barrage of phone calls akin too," Have you checked my application yet. Would you like me to explain myself better?" That has worked more times then anything else, and I've personally field tested this technique plenty.

Because, the world is simply full of people like you, and there is a phrase tailor made just for those people, it goes," If you can not blind them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bull:palm:." Wear a decent shirt, nothing with words.. Maybe with a collar if you own one. Slacks, not jeans. Jeans are not the image you go for in applying, but slacks automatically make a manager consider you an employee. Especially if you have a shirt in the same color as the uniform.

I would need to know more about the town you are in to give any more advice then this, but in a week? I can't see how it'd be that hard to be employed. I mean, you could easily cheat the deadline and apply for a Day Labor or Workforce position. Money and a job on a day to day basis until you find yourself with short term employment.

How is the public transportation in the town you live in? What jobs are reachable in walking distance?

[Zeek]

alright dude, you're in a deep dark hole right now, and you can't see any way out. believe me when i say i know what that's like. the thing you've got to remember is Perspective. right now, you don't have any because your in the hole. there are options that you can't see and haven't considered. ideally your friends and family would be there for you to point them out and help you, but it looks like that isn't the case this time.

i don't normally advise this, but these are hard times, so you should really consider the military options. at the worst it's a paycheck, but at the best you can learn a trade that will keep you fed when you get out, might be fixing trucks, might be administering computer networks, might be flying helicopters, depends on what they need. just try not to end up in the infantry, because while killing people is a fine and noble trade, there's just not much domestic market for it these days, and if you aren't going into it for the right reasons, you'll likely come out with a head full of snakes. i suggest you start with the air-force. at the very least, in a few years you'll have some money, some skills, and some confidence.


just remember, it's never really as bad as it looks from inside the hole, and stay alive. pain, suffering & despair are all temporary, and they will pass as long as you just stay alive long enough. you are tougher than you think you are.

[Armadox the Butcher]

Actually, that is truth, the military is hiring only new recruits right now (they cut the budget for rehiring, so at this moment you could get in, but someone already trained might not). Computer engineering is a steady feild, or radio tech. You probably ain't going to do so hot in boot camp. I'd go National Guard.

But, I could help you with local job stuff, if you want. I've been on my own since 14, so I've a LOT of experience in getting work.

[andrewbuff]

alright dude, you're in a deep dark hole right now, and you can't see any way out. believe me when i say i know what that's like. the thing you've got to remember is Perspective. right now, you don't have any because your in the hole. there are options that you can't see and haven't considered. ideally your friends and family would be there for you to point them out and help you, but it looks like that isn't the case this time.

i don't normally advise this, but these are hard times, so you should really consider the military options. at the worst it's a paycheck, but at the best you can learn a trade that will keep you fed when you get out, might be fixing trucks, might be administering computer networks, might be flying helicopters, depends on what they need. just try not to end up in the infantry, because while killing people is a fine and noble trade, there's just not much domestic market for it these days, and if you aren't going into it for the right reasons, you'll likely come out with a head full of snakes. i suggest you start with the air-force. at the very least, in a few years you'll have some money, some skills, and some confidence.


just remember, it's never really as bad as it looks from inside the hole, and stay alive. pain, suffering & despair are all temporary, and they will pass as long as you just stay alive long enough. you are tougher than you think you are.

if this was facebook id 'like' this, i totally agree.

[iwashere]

Woah, reading back I didn't mean for that to sound nearly as emo as it did. Woops.

I'm willing to try anything at this point. I'll shoot you a PM or twelve, Armadox.

[Johnny Hobo]

Being nineteen (almost twenty) myself, I understand. I spent sixteen from seventeen and a half just floating around, and the last year or so just :palm:ing around on Federal Assistance. I don't know about this military business, I don't believe in it myself. Guess it depends on your views. If you were around here, I'd invite you to live in the commune. Nobody wants to live in a commune anymore. We can expect that peace & love will grow on others.

-Jay

[Cobalt Manticore]

It's a long, Strange, shot that in but a few cases, did more harm than good, but have you considered Job Corps?

[lama]

Be positive and all things will work out right - that's my experience.

I wouldn't mind even if in real world you happened to be scantily clad, tentacle entwined girl from Japan, named Echiko or something. As long as you're not faking your death or acting like an be whoever you want to be on the interwebz.

[andrewbuff]

ps. what is wrong with mario kart? im twenty five now, and id still play it if i had the cables to my snes.

[Neil Tathers]

I think the more pressing matter in this thread is not Iwashere's future induction into the KKK, but the fact that Johnnyhobo's real name is Jay, not Johnny.

My mind is reeling from this revelation.