York - Monkeys with Machetes

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Endzone sits back with a bucket of popcorn and watches the show

Please stop hogging the popcorn.

Ah, York. The salt air, the sunshine, the smiling townspeople with their folksy charm.

[Raffles]

I explained this at the time. They weren't smiling, 'Daves. That was rictus caused by rigor mortis setting in.

[Killian]

Enzo, Raphaezzo, you two are too witty. I think we're going to get along just fine, if you'll excuse my use of the first person plural.

[Maj. Arcana]

time for another funny story!

so today i killed a pirate who was infesting the med hut. i think it was a pirate but it couldve been a hipster but it doesnt matter because foreigners dont belong in york. that darkie who ran the new bar is gone and the fairy who was hiding him in his skirts is gone too. people are starting to remember the good old days and the rats are clearing out.

anyway after i killed him an evil spirit came out of him and started yelling really loud. :palm:ing spirits. and then my good buddy josiah winthrop went crazy or something.

You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-06-30 12:25)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2011-06-30 12:25)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-06-30 12:25)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2011-06-30 12:25)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-06-30 12:25)
Josiah Winthrop uses a first aid kit on you and restores 10 health. (2011-06-30 12:43)
Josiah Winthrop uses a first aid kit on you and restores 8 health. (2011-06-30 12:44)
Josiah Winthrop begins to twitch, his knees knock and a violent shaking takes over his body (2011-06-30 13:07)
Josiah Winthrop 's hair begins to blow about, even though the air in the room is perfectly still. (2011-06-30 13:08)
Josiah Winthrop says “Hachana hachani hashani megh tach tani Sheol. Nan Shekinah heini!” (2011-06-30 13:09)
Josiah Winthrop awakens as the Holy Spirit ascends from his body (2011-06-30 13:10)
Josiah Winthrop says “The Spirit confirms it! We are pushing them back! We are pushing the devils back by the power of Christ!” (2011-06-30 13:11)
Josiah Winthrop says “Legion has been thrust hard into the herd of swine and swallowed!” (2011-06-30 13:12)
Josiah Winthrop says “We need more of the gift of healing! We've got to pray to Jesus to send the Holy Spirit! Let the healing begin! Begin the beguine!” (2011-06-30 13:13)
Josiah Winthrop scratches out what was carved on the wall. (2011-06-30 13:14)
Josiah Winthrop carves something onto the wall. (2011-06-30 13:14)
Josiah Winthrop says “Make crosses for the Lord. The Christ commands us to make crosses around this place to ward off the devils.” (2011-06-30 13:16)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2011-06-30 14:47)

i think he was talking in jew for awhile and i was a little suspicious but then he wrote something on the wall (777) and everyone knows thats from the bible so its all good. and after that i told everyone just standing around to do their duty to york and kill foreigners on sight otherwise there pussies and i hate pussies.

stay tuned next time for more funny stories

[Honey de Lune]

This dark man must have been quite small for a fairy to have hid him under her skirt!

[Raffles]

(2011-07-05 22:46) You say “Sing for us, Outsider Hierophant.” in the outsider language.
(2011-07-05 22:47) You force The Hierophant to speak.
(2011-07-05 22:47) The Hierophant says “Four white horses, on the river,” with a slight accent.
(2011-07-05 22:47) The Hierophant says “Hey, hey, hey, up tomorrow,” with a slight accent.
(2011-07-05 22:47) The Hierophant says “Up tomorrow is a rainy day.” with a slight accent.
(2011-07-05 22:47) The Hierophant says “Come on up to the shallow bay,” with a slight accent.
(2011-07-05 22:48) The Hierophant says “Shallow bay is a ripe banana,” with a slight accent.
(2011-07-05 22:48) The Hierophant says “Up tomorrow is a rainy day.” with a slight accent.
(2011-07-05 22:50) You say “Very nice, Outsider Hierophant. We shall make a Raktami of you yet!” in the outsider language.

He was a trifle nasal, but I think with time I could make him a passable tenor. Traditional Raktami song, by the way.

~ Hafta

[Maj. Arcana]

hafta you forgot the part where i splattered your brains across the med hut. no natives allowed in york. no foreigners allowed in york. not without permission anyway. i dont care about there peaceful intentions. go live in your own :palm:ty camp or go to durham or derby those mixed breeds actually tolerate your trash but not us good men of york.

so this isnt really a funny story because theres nothing funny about natives except how they smell but i guess its a funny-strange story. anyway theres a bunch of natives who have been showing up in york lately. guess they didnt get the message about whos in charge. one of them was that old douche above and when i killed him he started haunting me and making me say that the hierophant :palm:s porpoises and other nasty stuff. i wasnt planning to kill him because somebody in the ycc asked me not to kill a native shaman whos coming by to exorcise the med hut later so i thought this guy was him and told him to do it quickly and beat it. but he said he wasnt the guy and that was his mistake. we dont like tourists.

next i saw this dirt farmer and i killed him too. like i said before though im trying to turn over a new leave so first i just shot him a few times and told him to get out but then i saw him a few hours later in a different place and you cant say i didnt warn him.

then the ycc guy came back and told me his native lover was coming by the next day and could i not kill him please and i was thinking of killing that guy cause christian or not hes inviting :palm:ing foreigners here. but then what he said next was music to my ears because he told me some native warrior was in the med hut and could i please come 'take a look'. so i did and it turned out to be this black bastard. so i killed him too but i decided to have some fun first because i remembered him. so i said

Natives aren't welcome in York, especially not queen Bitch Humpingbird's chief toady.

and then i killed him. haw haw haw.

and then he started crying like a little girl and my good buddy josiah winthrop had his seizure thing going on.

You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-07-07 15:44)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2011-07-07 15:44)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2011-07-07 15:44)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-07-07 15:44)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-07-07 15:44)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-07-07 15:44)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-07-07 15:44)
Josiah Winthrop gets into battle crouch and raises both fists (2011-07-07 16:40)
Josiah Winthrop says “Power of Christ! Power of Christ! Dhalsim!” (2011-07-07 16:41)
Josiah Winthrop swings a jolly jack o'lantern around. (2011-07-07 16:41)
Josiah Winthrop uses a first aid kit on you and restores 8 health. (2011-07-07 16:41)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2011-07-07 16:41)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2011-07-07 16:41)

stay tuned next time for more funny stories.

edit: just fyi im not going to grief people who keep showing up cause thats not good sport so if any foreigners want to come visit york all they need is to be vouched by a man of york in good standing. that means either they belong to the ycc or theyve killed someone in the last month or two. pwotters cant vouch for anyone because there still considered traitors according to tradition and tradition is law. if they vouch for you then you can come live with us for a bit but dont overstay your welcome or your going to eat a bullet.  

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Blue Hummingbird of Raktam is coming to spill the red from the necks of those who offend justice and morality.

[Maj. Arcana]

Blue Hummingbird of Raktam is coming to spill the red from the necks of those who offend justice and morality.

then you should stay home. :palm:ing dirt-worshippers offend lord jesus.

this is york business. we dont go to your rat:palm: village and attack you. we just want to be left alone but if i see you ill be sure to say hihi with my rifle!

[FirstAmongstDaves]

You should do that. I'll bring some friends.

[Maj. Arcana]

time for another funny story!

Weapons Hut

Carved on the wall is some writing. It reads “Communicating with natives is a capital crime. sayeth The Hierophant.”

Here you can see Ibn al Xuffasch, Mardek, darkkai, and MargieJooby.

You say “:palm:ing foreigner!”
You fire at Mardek with a rifle for 5 damage (lots). They die. You gain 43 XP.
You say “and next time dont come back. we dont like your kind around here, do we boys? nuh uh, we don't.”
You say “especially not the kind who jabber in foreign tongues, what are you a :palm:ing native? maybe you and the darkie over here should do a little jig for us?”
The Hierophant turns to ibn al xuffasch and slings his rifle to the floor, firing at his feet, cackling himself hoarse. "yeah dance darkie dance! you may be a yorker like me but you sound like a foreigner."
Note: Ibn al Xuffasch has indicated they have peaceful intentions and would appreciate not being killed.
You fire at Ibn al Xuffasch with a rifle for 5 damage. They drop to 65 HP.
Note: Ibn al Xuffasch has indicated they have peaceful intentions and would appreciate not being killed.
Your rifle is out of rifle bullets.
The Hierophant eventually grows bored of this and lets the arab take a break. "But next time you see a foreigner standing here all preened up, you dont wait for me, you KILL him!" He wags a finger all around.
The Hierophant slunks his backpack to the floor and starts pulling out bottles. "That's tradition and tradition is law. don't forget it. Now who wants a cold one?" He passes beer out to all three, then runs off.
The Hierophant peeks his head back inside. "hey islamo i forgot your turban rules. if you cant drink that stuff just come find me and ill take it back. wouldnt want to offend your desert customs...haw haw haw."

stay tuned next time for more funny stories

[Maj. Arcana]

heres a special edition funny story that got aborted but not the way the liberals like it.

Medical Hut
Carved on the wall is some writing. It reads “Valar Morghulis”.
Here you can see BLooDCLotT, Josiah Winthrop, Shadok, Gorry Louie, Emmsy (71 of 75 HP), Edward Schyler, and John Coxon.
There is 1 body here.
You whisper to Josiah Winthrop ":palm:ing pirates!"
You step outside
You enter the Trading Post

Trading Post
Here you can see Samantha Kade, Dr. Horrible, and MargieJooby.
Also here is Trader Harry, and a guard dog.
You say ":palm:ing pirates in the med hut!"
You say “ok dr. horrible i know you kind of suck at this stuff but heres the deal i'll give you a bottle of beer and you go kill a pirate ok?”
You say "theres a couple in the med hut but i know your not good at this so just pick one. pirates cant fight back because they fail at life."
You say “bottle of liquid courage amirite?”
Dr. Horrible can't carry anything more.
You stop giving the items (0 given).
The Hierophant tries to give the bad doctor a beer but he wont take it. the hierophant stands there for a minute not knowing what to do then gives it to samantha kade instead.
You give a bottle of beer to Samantha Kade.
You say “ok sammy i know your into this free love interracial with natives but im ok with that as long as you dont bring those darkies here. now heres your beer and you go earn your first kill girlie ok”
You say “?”
The Hierophant slaps Samantha Kade lightly on the then strolls off back to his Slavers hut. "lemme know all the gory details when your done ok?"

then i got up because i saw dog the bounty hunter was on tv and when i came back i saw

Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw attacks you with a wooden club for 3 damage. You die. (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw carves pieces off the body of The Hierophant and begins eating! (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw carves pieces off the body of The Hierophant and begins eating! (2011-07-22 23:19)
Fantaw carves pieces off the body of The Hierophant and begins eating! (2011-07-22 23:19)

.

edit because i want to put a bounty on this :palm:ing native because hes been killing me alot and everybody in york is cowards or something. ok so 10gc worked last time i think. anybody can collect and all you have to do is give me the underworld link dont have to say anything if you dont want to.

[Maj. Arcana]

heres an update im dead but i can still hear people talk lol.

Since your last move:
Samantha Kade says “Sorry, but I don't kill unless I really have to. It's just a bad idea, and around this place even more.” (2011-07-23 01:09)
Samantha Kade says “...And seriously? Slavery? What are you thinking? Have we not lost enough millions of people through history over this to have figured it out yet?” (2011-07-23 01:11)
Samantha Kade says “In any case... I've been around enough to know that places like this island are getting way too rare. You can stay here and drink and do whatever else you do, but don't try to mess this place up.” (2011-07-23 01:13)
Samantha Kade says “Because frankly, we straight up can't afford it.” (2011-07-23 01:13)

shes a peaceloving hippy. maybe even an envronmentalist i dont know it sounds like it tho. so KOS please if shes not with us shes against us! thats tradition and tradition is law.

[Maj. Arcana]

so i got warned this week about all the cussing and so im taking it easy starting today.

Medical Hut
Carved on the wall is some writing. It reads “Dissention from tradition is a thought-crime, and public displays will be punished severely. Sayeth The Hierophant.”

Here you can see guest, BLooDCLotT, Olivia Appleby, Shadok, darkkai, Emmsy, and Edward Schyler.

You say “bloodclott i want you out of here by the end of week, your not pure enough to hang out in york. go back to new berlin and rot for all i care. if your not out when i make my rounds, your dead meat. ja?”
The Hierophant points his finger at Olivia Appleby. "dont any of you realize theres a goddamn foreigner in the room? we need to start tagging them because they look just like us on the surface anyway."
You say “olivia, if your going to shimmy out of that labcoat and give us a little dance then you can stay. otherwise if your not gone by the end of the week your going to eat a bullet. no foreigners allowed.”

so heres some new reforms ok i dont kill anyone on sight anymore, i give them till the end of the week and then i kill them. and i dont swear any more excpet goddamn because gods a big boy and doesnt mind. as for people saying im racist or sexist ok but if god didnt want us to judge people by how they look he wouldnt have given us eyes. says so in the scriptures. compliments or complaints are welcome please come to the slavers hut in york and we'll discuss it over a beer. if your a foreigner you got till the end of week and even natives can come but they better wash off the beargrease first ive got sensitive bowels.

[Witch Hazel]

Oh, for God's sake. You are not fooling anyone but I do hope you really have seen the error's of your ways.