Father FirstAmongstDaves' Shartak Confessional Booth

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Dearly beloved congregation.

I am here to bestow upon you the holy and spiritual gifts of confession, contrition and penance.

Killed an Open Arms healer with a punch? Mocked another player for "sharing" a square with a monkey? Played Shartak on your iPhone while sitting on the toilet? Visited Shivering Timbers and did dodgy things with a wooden club? Got aroused when a parrot tells you "Serious Sam takes it up the bum"?

My friends, these are all sins.

Serious, serious sins, and the Holy Book known as the Wiki tells us at Tathers 1:14 that Shartak sinners burn in virtual pixellated hellfire and damnation for all eternity.

Confess here, and I will grant you penance.

[CyAdora]

Dave, you show me yours and I will show you mine.

[Katie Calhoun]

*grabs some popcorn and leans closer to the monitor*

[FirstAmongstDaves]

No, no, it begins, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." Honestly, you'd think none of you have ever sinned before.

[Fester Shinetop]

Forgive me father, for I have sinned in a most embarrassingly egregious manner.

For a start, I've had a couple of secret alts.

Sulik, whom I eventually used for my treasure hunt; William Blackstone, who traveled from town to town getting killed; and Mr Biffo, who developed a slightly unhealthy obsession with Ege Bamyasi (although I still think that he is far and away one of the funniest people on Shartak - was he not also responsible for The Masthead?), before dying in a misunderstanding between himself and somone else (Blackbeard's Leg maybe? I can't remember) about the difference between an INSULT swordfighting duel, and just hacking at someone with a machete and running away.

Also, I taught a whole load of parrots to say "I am (unintentionally) rediculous".

There, my shame is complete.

[CyAdora]

No, no, it begins, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." Honestly, you'd think none of you have ever sinned before.

No, I have never sinned. I am practically perfect in every way.  

[iwashere]

Well there was this one time in Dalpok, when I was young and crazy...

Also, I may or may not have left a man heavily poisoned with 1HP in the middle of the jungle purely because I was carrying too many darts and he looked like he might want to kill me. The way he whispered "Hello" in my ear 8 hours before I allegedly shot him repeatedly clued me in to his evil intentions.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Forgive me father, for I have sinned in a most embarrassingly egregious manner.

For a start, I've had a couple of secret alts.

Sulik, whom I eventually used for my treasure hunt; William Blackstone, who traveled from town to town getting killed; and Mr Biffo, who developed a slightly unhealthy obsession with Ege Bamyasi (although I still think that he is far and away one of the funniest people on Shartak - was he not also responsible for The Masthead?), before dying in a misunderstanding between himself and somone else (Blackbeard's Leg maybe? I can't remember) about the difference between an INSULT swordfighting duel, and just hacking at someone with a machete and running away.

Also, I taught a whole load of parrots to say "I am (unintentionally) rediculous".

There, my shame is complete.

Yes, you have sinned, and sinned deeply, in not reading properly. We do not hack. We "attack". Read the text next time.

Teaching parrots to mis-spell "rediculous" is also a mortal sin. Unless this was some sort of "red in tooth and claw" gag, in which case I commend you on your use of Tennyson in an obscure context, while thinking you have still nonetheless sinned in being an academic snob.

So, aside from the unhealthy obsession with Ege Bamyesi (a very attractive man who wears a white suit and carries a silver-tipped cane in real life) your sins are painfully educational in nature, and so we turn to the readings of Saint Long Fin Killie, the patron saint of electronic communication. Appropriately, therefore, your penance is to explain why "cute" is not the opposite of "acute", to say five Hail Marys, and to leave the parrots alone.

Next!

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Well there was this one time in Dalpok, when I was young and crazy...

Also, I may or may not have left a man heavily poisoned with 1HP in the middle of the jungle purely because I was carrying too many darts and he looked like he might want to kill me. The way he whispered "Hello" in my ear 8 hours before I allegedly shot him repeatedly clued me in to his evil intentions.

You have sinned, and sinned heavily. If you shoot down a man to 1HP so as to facilitate his death simply by moving, then you have wasted. Waste is a sin. The AP you might have gained from killing the man off has fallen as fruit drops from the vine. God and all his angels weep everytime you fail to reach a new level and acquire a new skill.

Also, this has more than a whiff of showboatery. And showboatery is a sin. I believe it is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, in between "lust" and "sloth". Punching an elephant dead, collecting the skull of a victim and burying it in a swamp, and accumulating enough XP to convert to AP so as to wipe out a hut full of people, is all showboating. Letting a man live on 1AP full of poison is showboatery. The shame must be overwhelming.

Your penance is to enter the waters of a river, shed all your worldly possessions such that your backpack is empty, and be baptised again. HOLY! I say, HOLY!

Next!

[Neil Tathers]

I peed in the Wiksik Hot Tub.

[Ahnaom]

How about your own sins? I have a feeling FAD has a way longer list than any other player here...

[Wulla-mullung]

I peed in the Wiksik Hot Tub.

Ew.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

I peed in the Wiksik Hot Tub.

Which is now the Wikisk Lukewarm Tub. Peeing in a hot tub is a sin. There is a toileting area near the hot tub, to the north-west. Why not simply stand up and go and pee there? I'll tell you why: the devil.

But hot-tubbing itself is a sin. Hot tubs are wet, moist dens of lust. Nude or near nude, sitting in warm water, staring at other nude people! A hot tub is the hunting ground of Lucifer and his unholy host: being in a hot tub is as if a satanic and sultry nymph, with heaving bosoms and lithe limbs, was rubbing warm oil into your privates, while your eyes glaze over. SINFUL!

Your penance is the usual penance of hot-tubbing: bleach your skin to be rid of the urine, a morning after pill, and six Hail Marys.

Next!

[FirstAmongstDaves]

How about your own sins? I have a feeling FAD has a way longer list than any other player here...

That's "Father FAD" to you, my son.

[Swarm]

I have created a secret character which will not be revealed