Big Trouble in Little Raktam (a Mercenary's Vengeance)

[Iceman]

Sympathetic Phil steps into the Throne Room, the heavy door crashing into the wall and half-tearing off its hinges with the force of the kick that he finds works so well in place of knocking.
Sympathetic Phil jerks his head, and several other grim-looking mercenaries follow him into the Court. Phil grins, although his eyes glitter coldly. He bows mockingly to the king sat atop the dais.
The Prisoner strolls in, finger itchin' on the trigger. "Heard some commotion the other day, sounded like a in heat."
Sympathetic Phil scratches his chin. “SO HERE WE ARE, YOUR MAJESTY. I WAS HOPING TO SPEAK TO YOUR BETTER HALF, BUT NEVER MIND. I’M SORRY IT HAD TO COME TO THIS…”
Sympathetic Phil cocks his rifle, the click echoing ominously throughout the silent Throne Room. “…BUT REMEMBER, YOUR MISSUS WAS THE ONE WHO MADE IT BLOODY PERSONAL.”

Sympathetic Phil raises his rifle and fires a single shot. Baraka’s head jerks back, rebounding from the throne’s carved seatback. Then he slumps, a trickle of blood seeping from the hole between his eyes.
Sympathetic Phil kills Baraka with a rifle.

Sympathetic Phil calmly begins reloading his rifle. He gives the nod, and behind him The Prisoner grins and tosses the stub of his cigarette into one of the hanging drapes that cover the walls.
The Prisoner grins coldly, "You say your rocks got eyes, your grass bites, your water burns...Well our guns got bullets..."
The Prisoner racks a round, "Sometimes you just gotta pull the trigger and let the blood do the talkin'."

Sympathetic Phil narrows his eyes. "YOUR QUAINT LITTLE MESS OF MUD HUTS IS IN FOR A BLOODY WORLD OF PAIN, JUNGLE-BOYS. YOUR QUEEN :palm:ED WITH THE WRONG MERCENARY."
The Prisoner kills Taiaka with a heavy sword.
Sympathetic Phil raises his rifle again, and sights along the barrel.
Sympathetic Phil kills Jace Daskull with a rifle for 5 damage.

Sympathetic Phil blows the curl of smoke from the rifle tip. "ARE YOU STARTING TO UNDERSTAND? I BLOODY HOPE SO, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WALLOW IN YOUR FILTH FOREVER WHILE I TEACH YOU SUCH A SIMPLE BLOODY LESSON."
The Prisoner kills Cobalt Manticore with a heavy sword.
Sympathetic Phil scowls as his rifle clicks empty, and he slings it over his shoulder and draws a massive sword in one easy motion. He lunges at the nearest native, the large blade sliding smoothly into his chest.
Sympathetic Phil kills Axel Flames with a heavy sword.

Sympathetic Phil kicks Axel's limp body off the blade, and shakes loose the clinging blod with a flick of his wrists. He bares his teeth in a savage smile, and gestures with the huge sword. "WHO'S BLOODY NEXT?"
Sympathetic Phil takes a sudden step to the side, and brings his blade around in a sweeping blow. The shaman cringing against the wall has time to widen his eyes in terror before the blade takes his head.
Sympathetic Phil kills Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong with a heavy sword.

Sympathetic Phil pauses, breathing heavily. "BLOODY HELLFIRE, I'M GETTING OLD. I'D NEVER HAVE BEEN OUT OF BREATH AFTER JUST FOUR OF YOU BASTARDS FIVE YEARS AGO."
Sympathetic Phil takes a deep breath, then looks up. He grins broadly as another mercenary steps into the carnage that was the Throne Room. Phil throws Iwashere a lazy salute. "GOOD OF YOU TO BLOODY TURN UP!"
Iwashere enters with his weapons drawn, pausing for a moment at the pile of corpses. Looking at Phil, he shouts "I wanted to make it a little more dramatic!"
Iwashere kills Auira Red-Hawk with a knife.

Sympathetic Phil rolls his eyes, then kicks Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong's head out of his way as he strolls over to the twin thrones.
Sympathetic Phil steps up onto the dais. None of the shocked natives remaining in the chamber make a move to stop him. Instead, they stare with horror at the bodies littering the floor.
The Prisoner lights up a cigarette, "Well, we didn't get dressed up for nothin'..."
Sympathetic Phil return's King Baraka's dead-eyed stare for a long moment, before reaching out and grasping the corpse's robes. With a grunt, Phil tumbles the body from the stone chair.
Sympathetic Phil gives the crumpled corpse a kick, and it rolls off the dais to sprawl bonelessly on the Throne Room floor. He sits down on the vacated throne with a sigh.
Sympathetic Phil knuckles the small of his back. "BLOODY HELL, THIS ISN'T MUCH BETTER. COULDN'T ONE OF YOU DARK-SKINNED BUGGERS HAVE STUFFED A SHARGLE TO SIT ON OR SOMETHING?"
Sympathetic Phil twists in the large chair. Behind him, previously discarded cigarette sends the heavy fabric draping the wall flickering into flame.
Sympathetic Phil swings his feet up, and settles them on the adjoining seat. He leans back, and rummaging inside his jacket, pulls out a battered hip flask. He uncorks it with his teeth and takes a long swallow.
Sympathetic Phil says "AAH! I BLOODY NEEDED THAT." The flames lick rapidly at the wall hanging, spreading swiftly. Smoke begins to curl up, to gather beneath the domed roof.
Sympathetic Phil waves his sword in a gesture of dismissal. "SO, HERE'S HOW IT'S GOING TO BLOODY GO NOW. RAKTAM BELONGS TO THE NEW AGE MERCENARY'S GUILD. WHY, YOU ASK? BECAUSE I BLOODY SAID SO."
Sympathetic Phil takes another drink. "YOU'VE GOT YOUR HOTHEADED WENCH OF A QUEEN TO THANK FOR THAT. SHE SHOULD HAVE LEFT BUSINESS AS BUSINESS." Phil slams a fist down on the throne's arm. "BUT NO..."
You say “SHE WENT AND DID THE BLOODY STUPID THING OF MAKING IT BLOODY PERSONAL. SO HERE WE ARE. IF SHE CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO, I'LL GIVE HER BOTH.” in the native language.
Sympathetic Phil scowls. "I'LL GIVE HER ENOUGH OF BOTH TO BLOODY CHOKE HER." He taps himself on the chest. "I'M HERE FOR PERSONAL REASONS..."
Sympathetic Phil gestures to his fellow mercenaries. "AND MY GOOD FRIENDS HERE ARE HERE BECAUSE I'M PAYING THEM TO BE."
Sympathetic Phil flicks a hand negligently. "SHOW THEM WHAT I MEAN, IWASHERE."
Iwashere kills Zayin Zakial the Warrior with a dagger.
Sympathetic Phil smirks. "YOU SEE?"

Sympathetic Phil throws back another lug from his flask, then tosses it to Iwashere. He turns his attention back to the cowering natives. "I DON'T DOUBT YOUR PRETTY QUEEN WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS..."
Sympathetic Phil settles himself more comfortably on the throne. "...SO I WON'T MAKE IT TOO HARD FOR HER TO FIND ME. IF I WERE THE REST OF YOU, I'D SCARPER, AND BLOODY SHARPISH."
Sympathetic Phil grins wolfishly. "THIS IS ONLY JUST BEGINNING..." Behind him, the growing fire roars into full flame as the entire wall catches alight.
Sympathetic Phil chuckles to himself, the raging inferno silhouetting his shaking shoulders, and lending a demonic ring to his growing laughter.

[Neil Tathers]

Neil Tathers cocks an eyebrow.

[Iceman]

I'd take that eyebrow out of town for a bit, Pecs. It might be the only thing left of you, otherwise.

[Iceman]

The Raktami appear to be woefully lacking in dramatic flair. Put a bit of bloody effort in. Or is dying all you're any good at?

Still in the Throne Room

The Prisoner tosses a gold coin into the air and catches it. The coin shows tails.
The Prisoner kicks off his boots and takes a swig from his flask, "Let's make ourselves comfortable, eh? Might be here a while."
The Prisoner casually walks barefoot among the dead, "Man's gotta make a livin' somehow."
The Prisoner says “Yeah, it's me, A'din. Quit yer whisperin' and get on with it.”
The Prisoner says “You gonna pull them blowpipes or whistle Dixie?!”

You hear A'din Dkari whisper “.” with a slight accent.
A'din Dkari kills Sympathetic Phil with a machete.

The Prisoner takes a drag from a cigarette, "Give me a good lookin' over, boy, I ain't goin' nowhere barefoot." Smoke trails from his nostrils.
The Prisoner makes a gesture as if holding a cover over his heart. "The old salt, may he rest in piece."
The Prisoner says “chuckles slow and gutterally, "I see your Royal Guard likes to run, seems you gotta pay a man to hold his own these days..."”
The Prisoner says “Back in the Corps we used to shoot better men for less...these times they are a-changin'.”
The Prisoner says “Can't expect a whole lotta honor on this god-forsaken island. Gold, now there's somethin' you can always rely on.”
The Prisoner steps up to the throne and positions Sympathetic Phil's body upright, trying to keep his head from slumping. "The king is dead, long live the king!"
The Prisoner shakes his head, stifling a laugh, "I really oughta cut back on the bourbon."
The Prisoner shoulders his rifle, leaning up against the throne. He looks up at the ceiling thoughtfully, flames flickering behind him.
The Prisoner takes another drag from a cigarette and spits, "So I guess this is it."

Kouksdaiz Grox kills Fallen Ravan with a machete.
Kouksdaiz Grox says “Phil is not to be trifled with” with a slight accent.

You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.
You hear Najdam calling for assistance.

[He doesn’t receive any, by the way - unless you count a machete in the head as 'assistance]

monaliza kills The Prisoner with a heavy sword.
monaliza kills Iwashere with a heavy sword.
monaliza kills Cu'ki Kruh'sha with a heavy sword.

Gaspode the Wonder Dog starts acting very strangely.
Gaspode the Wonder Dog says “I suppose I'll be the first to leave, then. See you gents around.” with a slight accent.
Gaspode the Wonder Dog says “And to the Royal Court, have a good time in the next few days.” with a slight accent.
Gaspode the Wonder Dog dances around a little bit
Gaspode the Wonder Dog scratches out what was carved on the wall.
Gaspode the Wonder Dog carves something onto the wall.
Gaspode the Wonder Dog says “No, no, that doesn't work...” with a slight accent.
Gaspode the Wonder Dog scratches out what was carved on the wall.
Gaspode the Wonder Dog carves something onto the wall.

Sarzan starts acting very strangely.
Sarzan says “They shall Pay for this affront!” with a slight accent.

monaliza walks in clapping.
monaliza says “excellent job everyone. We really showed them.” with a slight accent.
monaliza gets a glint in her eye as she smiles.
monaliza says “now, remember the training we did? ” with a slight accent.
monaliza mockingly yells, "ALPHA, TANGO, CHARLIE, to the trenches! And dont forget to add all the naughties to your contact list. Your weapons will be waiting for you."
monaliza raises her heavy sword in the air and yells, "TO VICTORY". Then runs out.

[Bobby the Hatchet]

Baraka and Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong tried to buy me a drink but I didn't have my dancin' shoes on. Kept things short and to the point with their less-attractive friend.

You say “Today's a good day to die.”
You attack Axel Flames with a heavy sword for 5 damage. They die. You gain 28 XP. Underworld log successful.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

What, there's a hit on Raktam and the Pirate High Command aren't involved? And people are drinking bourbon? You :palm:ing bastards.

Damn it, I'm heading over.

[Iceman]

Phil's generous and compassionate nature gets the better of him, and leads to tragedy.

On the way back from the roaming shaman...

Sympathetic Phil sighs as he notices the battered and bleeding man lying in the undergrowth. "Bloody hellfire. I'm a busy man, you know. I don't have time to play bloody nursemaid..."
Sympathetic Phil sighs again. "I'm a victim to my own bloody conscience, that's my bloody problem..." He rummages in his pack for medical supplies, grumbling to himself under his breath.
Dr. Wilkes gains 10 health from a first aid kit
You heal their old wound.
Dr. Wilkes gains 10 health from a first aid kit
You say “Now get the bloody hell out of here, I'm not bloody coming back to save your again.”

A few minutes later, inside the Royal Court...

You step inside.
You attack Jalal ud-Din Menguberdi with a heavy sword for 5 damage. They drop to 3 HP.

Phil pauses to catch his breath after the long walk, and some interfering little son-of-a-bitch only goes and bloody heals the mark! Then, to add insult to injury...

Axel Flames attacks you with a machete for 2 damage.
Jalal ud-Din Menguberdi fires at you with a blowpipe for 4 damage. You die.
Jalal ud-Din Menguberdi collects the head of Sympathetic Phil.

Good job the boys are doing a better job than the drunk that hired them, eh?

[KingBiscuit]

Good job the boys are doing a better job than the drunk that hired them, eh?

Are they?

You attack Iwashere with a shovel for 1 damage. They die. You gain 43 XP.
You collect the head of Iwashere and clean it up before adding the skull to what you're carrying.
You hold up the gruesome skull so it can be admired.

[iwashere]

Good job the boys are doing a better job than the drunk that hired them, eh?

Are they?

You attack Iwashere with a shovel for 1 damage. They die. You gain 43 XP.
You collect the head of Iwashere and clean it up before adding the skull to what you're carrying.
You hold up the gruesome skull so it can be admired.

I'll be wanting that back when you're done with it. It's a lot harder to use my blowpipe properly without it, you see.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Pursing one's lips can be a problem if one does not have one's head.

[Mortis]

Heads?!?

Nobody uses those anymore!!! 

[Bobby the Hatchet]

Heads?!?

Nobody uses those anymore!!! 

I hear some of them filthy cannibals use 'em in a bouillon base. Nothing goes to waste with them savages.

[Iceman]

Bloody hell, I know you mud-grubbers can't speak a proper language, but you could at least make some hand signals or something after killing people. Look at all the bloody effort we put in. I'm disappointed, Raktam. Proper disappointed.

[CyAdora]

Iceman, whining doesn't become a business man such as yourself.

You say “how DARE YOU come into my kingdom and kill me?”

You fire at Endzone with a blowpipe for 4 damage. They die.

You carve Go home Mercs, we SCHOOLED you AGAIN. onto a tree.

monaliza wipes her hands on her skirt and kicks dirt of the distorted face of Endzone.

You say “go home. You might have better luck hunting gators.”

[Mortis]

Heads?!?

Nobody uses those anymore!!! 

I hear some of them filthy cannibals use 'em in a bouillon base. Nothing goes to waste with them savages.

Sounds tasty

At times they've been known to use skulls as bowls.

COLLECT THE WHOLE SET!