Why we must all bow down before the Stone Owl of York

[Ege Bamyasi]

If I was to tell you that, north of the colonial settlement of York, there stands a statue of an owl, and that all who dwell upon the island archipelago of Shartak must bow down and worship before it, then you would probably think me a madman in the grip of malarial fever! 

But what if were to say that all who do not pledge undying allegiance to the Stone Owl of York will be horribly tortured and killed? Do you see how my previously nonsensical statement suddenly becomes reasonable, and the ensuing the course of action self evident to all rational men and women?

Too long has the owl has been worshipped by those whose undoubted fervour has surpassed their ability to convert the masses.

Critics, of course, cite the numerous acts of sexual deviance that form part and parcel of owl worship, made manifest in the act of stripping naked and rubbing oneself raw against its stony plumage. It is true that Owl Rubbing is a prominent ritual within the cult, but this is only natural when one considers Saint Francis of Assisi’s observation that there is no creature in all creation that is as lustful as the owl.

Furthermore let these rituals not draw one's attention from the staunch values that are embodied by the Owl. It believes strongly in the building of schools, hospitals and roads. For years it has communicated via oblique symbols and omens that taxation should be decided a citizen’s means to pay, that all parrots on the island should be executed by firing squad, and that the male inhabitants of Durham should be castrated.   

I beg all who read this to heed my call and swear lifelong fealty to the Stone Owl of York. If you don’t then I will be compelled to hack you to pieces with my cutlass.

~ Sam Bellamy (Owl Cultist)

[Ahnaom]

What a threatening message you bring to us all today. But a curious one nonetheless.

Would you delay your urge to chop me to pieces and answer a few genuinely important questions about the worshipping and related matters?
This Owl of yours, is it an ancestor? A spirit? A skygod? Did it bring you much health, wealth or a well-written prophecy? And in what ways do the followers worship it?

[CyAdora]

... And in what ways do the followers worship it?

I, SLPw, proud resident of York,  sneak up in the middle of the night and rub its tummy with my nose. I have gotten great luck in love, life, finances and crits against native evil-doers. The only down side is that I need an extra moisturizing face cream to help the dermal abrasions that come from the close contact.

I will also note that on quite a few occasions I have found that The Stone Owl of York smells faintly of cheese, cheddar to be exact.

[Skull Face]

The Parrotologist's Society will have nothing to do with this primitive owl worship. It's not scientifical.

(I think it is time that someone donated a few shekels to have an owl statue placed in the jungle near York...  )

[Zeek]

The ceremony involves the poling across a lake of a small boat containing an effigy of Care (called "Dull Care"). Dark, hooded figures receive from the ferryman the effigy which is placed on an altar, and, at the end of the ceremony, set on fire. This "cremation" symbolizes that members are banishing the "dull cares" of conscience.

The ceremony takes place in front of the Owl Shrine, a 40-foot (12 m) hollow owl statue made of concrete over steel supports. The moss- and lichen-covered statue simulates a natural rock formation, yet holds electrical and audio equipment within it. During the ceremony, a recording of the voice of club member Walter Cronkite is used as the voice of The Owl.[15] Music and pyrotechnics accompany the ritual for dramatic effect.

[Jack Bauer]

it is the most faggy goddamn thing you could ever imagine

I think Nixon summed up owl worship the best, that quote brought to you from the Watergate tapes.

[Neil Tathers]

Don't you hack everyone to pieces with your cutlass anyways?

[Euphenics]

What a threatening message you bring to us all today. But a curious one nonetheless.

Would you delay your urge to chop me to pieces and answer a few genuinely important questions about the worshipping and related matters?
This Owl of yours, is it an ancestor? A spirit? A skygod? Did it bring you much health, wealth or a well-written prophecy? And in what ways do the followers worship it?

This might enlighten you:

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Ibn al Xuffasch hates idolators but leaves dead rats at the foot of the owl every evening. In the morning they bodies of the rats are gone...

... and small rat-sized pebbles appear at the rear of the Stone Owl.

True story.

[Euphenics]

No stone owl pellets?

[Billfred]

Aaaaand here be the Owl of York!

[Solemn]

Aaaaand here be the Owl of York!

Oh me oh my, hast thou returned for good?

[Billfred]

Naww.
Only for a day or two.

Some pearls of wisdom: hoot hoot, hoot hoot hoot.

I'll leave that for my disciples to decipher.