Shartak Tiger Hunters

[backwards7]

I have been asked to pass on this message from Lord Henry Mowbray – the founder, and currently sole member of, The Shartak Tiger Hunters. Before I deliver it, I would just like to make clear that his sentiments on matters concerning tigers (and practically everything else) differ from my own feelings.

Tigers! Bally nuisance! Worse than suffragettes if you ask me. I remember the time one burst into the smoking room at the Carlton Club and ate Lord Halifax - a tiger, that is. Not a suffragette.

One duly notes the tiger epidemic on Shartak. It seems that a gentleman cannot travel more than a few feet in any direction without bumping into one of the blighters. Obviously one can’t rely on the natives to stay on top of it – too busy worshipping trees and poking bits of bone through their noses, and so on and so forth.

As is generally the case in matters of organisation and civilisation, the task of ridding the island of this striped vermin must fall to us brave ex-patriots. I think that Rousseau put it best when he said: “No civilisation can truly prosper and fully enjoy the bounties of its enlightened vantage, while tigers freely dine upon personages of note.”

In that spirit I call upon all blue-blooded Englishmen, as well as those two rarer breeds – the courageous Frenchman and the heroic Spaniard - to take up arms against this feline menace; to leave saucers of warm milk outside villages as bait; to doggedly refuse to take rest until every last tiger has been killed and the roads of this island are carpeted with their skins.

I also call upon the natives of Shartak to assist us in our noble goal, by serving as beaters. It is you, with your knowledge of the jungle and animal tracks, who will be a vital colonial asset in locating the tigers, so that your more civilised brethren may move in and shoot them.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Justice Hart of York sent this message by HM Royal Mail Service:

My dear Lord Mowbray,

If the roads of this island are carpeted with tiger skins, it would certainly make the carriage to Derby more bearable on the coccyx!

I sat in a Chesterfield smoking chair in a hide outside York on New Year's Eve, puffing my meerschaum - which you might recall I won from that bally annoying Prussian Colonel in a duel in Konigsberg a few winters ago -  playing a gramophone, quietly so as not to alert the beasts to my presence, although the regimental colours flapping above the hide was a bit noisy in the strong sou-sou-westerlies.
 
Anyway, I wielded that nice silver-plated Webley which you sent to me as a consolation gift on the death of our beloved Imperial Majesty (May She Rest in Peace - it still brings a tear to my eye) and fired off a round when I heard a noise. Dashed if I didn't hit a tiger, but instead scarred the buttocks of your young subaltern, Benjamin Dawes-Enrought! the foolish lad had been recovering from VDG and was lying on his stomach in a stretcher. We're now thinking of nicknaming him "Pinky". He now has a stripe, and I was shooting animals with stripes. The irony has not impressed Pinky, but given his ball tampering during the last innings at last summer's Eton Old Boys Annual Game, no one has much sympathy for him.

Trust your native girl is holding up well to your ministrations and that the grand piano is holding up well in the tropical heat. Fungus can attack the cat gut and you might wish to regulalry replace that if you do not wish "God Save the Queen" to be out of tune.

I have the pleasure to be, etc.

Lieutenant General Sir Wesley Plantagenet Wilbur Alfred Hart, a Justice of York

[eLLa]

Can Tiger hunters catch me a green one so I can put a mask on it and pretend that I'm Pirate He-man or something

[FirstAmongstDaves]

No, but we can give you a pair of bearfur briefs, some peroxide spray, and a metal bondage harness so you at least look the part.

[backwards7]

Lord Henry Mowbray’s Guide To Tigers

Here we see Johnny tiger. Note the unwaxed moustache and the absence of a monocle. Tigers are vain animals, forever gazing at themselves in pools of water. This specimen is so taken by his own image, he is attempting to lick his reflection.

Tigers are masters of subterfuge and camouflage. It is well-known that a tiger once served as Secretary of State for three years without arousing suspicion. The scoundrel in the picture has disguised himself as a harmless zebra.

At first glance we a see flapper wearing a lewd and revealing garment, made from a tiger skin no doubt donated by one of her suitors. One’s first thought is that the gentleman in question should have shot a bigger tiger, leaving himself with enough skin to make a dress that would adequately cover both shoulders, the arms down to the wrists and the knees down to the ankles.

A second look and we can clearly see that this woman of easy virtue is in fact a tiger which has disguised itself by cleverly rearranging its fur.

Although the unseasoned hunter may have pause for thought, upon closer inspection this early 19th century armoire is clearly not a tiger. However it is certainly large enough to conceal a tiger, who might lie in wait within, only to pounce when you fling open the doors with the intention of retrieving your good smoking jacket. 

This can easily be avoided by giving both doors a sound blasting with an elephant gun. Better still why not ask your manservant to retrieve your jacket for you, or pay a working class person a shiny sixpence to do so on your behalf.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

I remember the first time I encountered a tiger. Its ears were unusually long, hearing me crawl through the long grass, and its little twitchy nose caught my scent. It did not roar - clearly it was stalking me, as I stalked it! Damn unusual to find tigers in Devon, and I decided not to let it escape.

I got a good look at it in a thicket. It was an albino, or some sort of snow tiger! It started to bear its teeth, sharpening them upon a carrot. Cool of head but aware of the imminent lethal danger, I fired a shot. It ran off into a cave with lightning speed and reflexes. A small cave, in the turf, into which I could not fit! Tigers truly have the cunning of the devil. Regardless, I let fly with my elephant gun and killed not one but seven of the blighters! And all albinos!

The dangerous beasts lay there shuddering, blood pouring from their wounds. One tried to lash out at me with a taloned paw, but I stood far away and let them die.

I had the heads stuffed and mounted on the wall of my smoking room. Somehow the stripes did not emerge well from the taxidermy process, which is a shame. But the cook made a startlingly good tiger stew form the carcasses. I had no idea you could eat tiger meat.

[eLLa]

My mentor was a Japanese tiger named Satoru Sayama, who hated the Brits due to his numerous clashes with their Champion, Bill Billington AKA "Dynamite Kid".


Sensei Satoru, using his mighty chest to hurt the feet of that ugly British dude.

Sensei Satoru - who is commonly refered to as Tiger Mask because he's a tiger and Mask was his favorite movie - was very active from 1971 until 1983, when he decided it is time to pass on his legacy to someone younger and whose thirst for justice is yet to be slaked. That man was to be me, but things didn't pan out because they found out that I'm not really Japanese, so I was passed over in favor of a guy named Mitsuharu Misawa.


Mitsuharu Misawa, smiling and having fun, feeling like a number one.

Misawa was chosen because he possesed athletic abilities similar to a tiger, including the uncanny ability to lick his own arse. I was frustrated at that time so I pissed off back to my country(but not before making several puns that center around a big pussy or tiger licking itself). Last I heard, a female Tiger Mask and several generations of Tiger Masks have come and gone until it got silly, what with the whole thing about Tiger Mask IV, Tiger Baby, Wife of Tiger Mask, Old Senile Tiger Mask and Evil Tiger Mask from an alternate Dimension(who had a goatee).

I would like to think that I have put all of the past behind me, burned bridges and stuff. But sometimes when I get to meet a tiger and look it in the eye, the past comes rushing back to me in a torrent of pain, frustration, anger, and more pain that is slightly more painful than the first ones.

[backwards7]

Hurrah! Chalk up one for the king of England!

[G3N]

This is a letter from Zeff to Lord Henry Mowbray delivered by a rambling young soldier from Derby. He seems to be constantly looking around him in paranoia and mumbling under his breath something like, "...P..please... I don't want to do any more scrubbing... let me go...!".
 

Dear Lord Henry Mowbray,

I am shocked to hear your news that the tiger infestation has got out of hand. Even as I write this, my battle-hardened (but attractive and admirable - as i'm sure you would agree) buttocks clench with outrage at this newfound threat to the upstanding citizens of Shartak. As you may have heard, my primary duty is to protect the good people from the hordes of flifthy fish-ridden Pirates that threaten the civillised culture that the good people have fought so hard against the savages to establish. However, your plea for aid against the filfthy feline beasts of the jungle has caught my attention. Up until now I had simply single mindedly pursued my goals to rid the island of Pirates and only stopping to squeeze a tiger to death between my impressive thighs if the beasts got in my way of Pirate hunting. Thanks to you, I now realise that if I spend all my energy destroying the biggest nuisance (Pirates and monkeys), the minor nuisance (tigers) might grow into a major infestation while I am not looking!
Just the other morning in Derby, I had a first hand experience of how depraved these animals can be. If you are easily disgusted or terrified, I would advise you not to read on...
It was a quiet morning and many of the good Derbians where still asleep. I was relaxing with some top quality imported tobacco after my morning squat-thrusts. I was not smoking it - as I had unfortunately broken my pipe when I used it to dispatch a homeless person that had the gall to ask an upstanding noble for money(!) - so I was simply resting it upon my head. I was just about to tell an admiring local boy to fetch me some Earl Grey tea when I heard a squelching sound about four meters behind me. I spun around, fearing a Pirate ambush, but there was no-one there (aside from the recliner I was resting in (but that didn't count since it is not a person, or even a sentient lifeform)). At first I thought it was an underhanded Pirate conspiracy, but something was wrong. There was no stench of eels and rum in the air - so it was not the work of Pirates. I reluctantly turned back around. Thats when, in direst horror, I noticed it. My shoe was missing! It was undoubtly the work of Tigers.
I now realise that Pirates are not the only nuciance of the island. I will do everything in my (considerable) power to help you achieve your most manly and noble goal.

Your humble and loyal servant,

Pirate Hunter Captain Zeff,

XXX

P.S.
Because of my status as shining rolemodel of Shartak, this letter should be considerably valuable. You may be tempted to keep hold of it as an inspirational reminder of The Pirate Hunters that you keep with you wherever you go. But please, feel free to sell it and use the money to help fund future Tiger-hunting expeditions.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Captain Zeff is a formidable man of great bravery and strong hamstrings, who regularly uses tiger whiskers as a shaving brush, while the whiskers are still attached to the live tiger.

Justice Hart has killed his first tiger in the jungles north of York, and a parrot cunningly disguised as a tiger. Also, a small deer, which was purring menacingly.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Hart accidentally killed a native today, whom he thought was a large Siberian tiger wearing a grass skirt and head-dress. Hart sends apologies to the victim's family.

[Michael edwards]

well.......what makes you so sure we didn't train tigers zeff?

[G3N]

Dear Mr Edwards of the JRG,

Don't be absurd. Theres no way that tigers can be trained by Pirates. Monkeys... of course... but not tigers. It is true that tigers are almost as despicable as pirates, but despite that, they are unrelated. Although I'm sure many people will agree with you when you suggest that every foul beast surely belongs in the murky and occasionally bouncy domain of piracy, I can prove that those people are mistaken. My reasoning is as follows: Tigers are land-based mammals but Pirates and monkeys are both species of water-based fish. As everyone knows mammals eat most water-based fish. Although some fish - such as sharks - do indeed eat mammals, this is because they were originally land-based until the Mighty British Empire fought them off the land and into the sea (but keeping behing a few to work on the sugar cane plantations). Considering the fact that mammals never work or get trained with fish - this is one point that proves that the tigers of Shartak are not trained by Pirates.
Secondly - As everyone knows, Pirates must feed anyone that spends at least half an hour in their company with at least 2.5 litres of rum. If they do not do this, it is a commonly known (though repulsive) fact that the Pirate in question turns 360 degrees before shouting "ARRRR! YE DONT DRINK!?!!" and spontaneously combusting.  Consider now, the fact that to train a creature properly more than half an hour is required to be spent within its vicinity. Bear with me here.... Additionally, tigers do not like rum. I once force fed a tiger a few bottles of the filfthy liquid to make sure that the tigers were not in collaboration with the pirate peril. The tiger in question staggered around in a daze before falling unconcious. it is clear that tigers (unlike monkeys) hate rum - cooperation with pirates is unnatural and impossible for them.
Therefore - tigers cannot be trained by Pirates. Only legitimate species of fish.
Despite the fact that tigers are not involved in piracy they are still filfthy brutes and should be shot.
My dear people, do not listen to Captain Edwards absurd and foolish claims - pirates are only capable of training species of fish such as eels, monkeys, tuna and parrots. Do not be alarmed at his false implication that the tigers and pirates are in alligience, as it is utter nonsense. DO NOT take him seriously as he is not a very serious person at all. And on top of that he is a Pirate and smells unusual.

[FirstAmongstDaves]

Justice Hart of York has noticed that mango trees grow well in the manure of either tigers or pirates, and wonders if there is a connection.

Both species eat raw meat: one says "roar" while the other says "arr". Neither bath.

The plot thickens.